6:00am - 8:00am ::boop beep boop beep::

Season Finale! Season Finale! Get your beers ready! Pop that cork! Get ready to DRINK! (I hope)

We left useless Kim at the airport being nothing but trouble. Olivia is being shifty and just might get caught with her hands in the cookie jar. The cookie jar of contract killing. Shameful.

I'm loving the powerpoint extravaganza going on while the prez is briefing the joint chiefs or whatever she's got going on. It's like watching An Inconvenient Truth. She's definitely going to take her act on the road.

Renee's gone all Crypt Keeper again. She's making the big eyes and the frowny prune face. She better be careful--if someone slaps her on the back , it might stay that way.

I like that Ethan is back. I might be still have a shot at him being part of the whole conspiracy business. Also, for a guilty person, she's being a total BEYOTCH. A real C U next tuesday.

I'm digging the whole airport terminal scene. That is, until Kim goes off to chase the bad guy. I mean, I guess she's trying not to be useless, but I didn't see her pick up the knife (which, by the way I'm wondering what crack airport security let a knife and gun through). So is she going to bludgeon him with her dead cell? USELESS!

"One has to be prepared when dealing with Olivia." Oh, Ethan. Such venom in the voice when speaking of Her Snakiness. Maybe Aaron Pierce's glorious goodness has spread to all the upper muckity mucks.

Tony is still a good guy. I'm convinced of it. He's trying to worm his way to the top of the heap of baddies and then Take. Them. Down. Jack Bauer-style. Ya think?

STOP, DROP, AND ROLL, KIM! STOP, DROP AND ROOOLLLLLLLLL! Again, I say USELESS. She should have known emergency procedures for when one finds one's self on fire. I kind of forgot Kim was a systems analyst at CTU. Probably because it was only for a hot minute.

Since when do .mp3 files make the tape rewind-y noise? I'm 100% sure they don't.

OH SNAP! Ethan's venomous spitting out of the name Olivia is nothing compared to the pure disdain that Secret Service Agent to the Stars Aaron Pierce has for Olivia.

Tony IS a good guy! Wow. This Alan Wilson thing is spanning lots of seasons. Michele Dessler, David Palmer, and the eeeeevil President Logan. Nice. Yeah, he's a little batshit insane, but Tony's still a good guy.....sort of....right?

What was with the weird kiss on the cheek when that Kara chick went up to the Big Bad? That was uncomfortable.

More gasoline spills. Tony fully stole that shoot-the-gas idea from Jack.

Um....for real? The whole Renee tuck and roll of the truck was the most action we've seen from her this whole season. Who knew she had it in her? Oh wait. She didn't. Her stunt people did.

Oh dear. We didn't know Michele was pregnant. Ooh. And he gave Jack the, "how would Terri feel about that?" Ouch.

Dude. Trailer for 'Public Enemies'? I'm in.

Renee can make him talk! She learned so much from Jack today. Jack is sort of like her torture sensei. But wait...is he advising her not to torture? That's so unlike him.

Renee: "I don't know what to say"
Jack: "Don't say anything at all."
Me: ::HURL::

First Dude is alive!!! Well, we knew he was alive, but still. There he is. We haven't seen him in HOURS. Shouldn't he be a little pissed at his daughter for being such a bratty pain in the ass all the time? Really? Really. They raised the little pain in the ass. She's been a bratty, bitchy, ladder-climber apparently forever. Doesn't that make it their bad?

Hooray for Chloe/Garofs truces. They're BFFs now.

I would say that Olivia will come back in another season as the Big Bad, but she's really not smart enough, is she? Way to NOT take responsibility for anything you've done.

Ok, so Ethan wasn't a bad guy. I thought he was going to have something to do with something.

UGH. Here I was thinking the Prez was the next best thing to David Palmer. She was really good this season, wasn't she? I was just sitting thinking how much I think she is easily my favorite new character this season. But of course, Pruney has to go and ruin it for me. She's gone full Crypt Keeper and is trying to be all tough but she's pretty much just super annoying.

Will Jack live? Will Jack die? Will Kim try Proactiv? I guess we'll just have to wait for next season. Until then, kids....it's been fun. Have a good....summer? Year? 8-10 when Kiefer gets out of the chokey? Well, until whenever...

Damnits:
-"Damnit" from Kim. Dead cell phones are the worst. Don't you just want someone to yell, "SHIT!" or drop an F-Bomb? Those are so fun to drop.
-"Damnit, Tony LOOK at me!" Jack all trussed up and trying to die with dignity.

There's no/we don't have times:
-"My father is dying. And we don't know how much time he has left." Useless Kim. It still totally counts.

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Hijacking his own team. What?
-Taking out 3 dudes 10 mins after a spinal tap.

5:00am - 6:00am ::boop beep boop beep::

ohmigod. I can't remember a time when I wasn't watching this damn show. And why is history repeating itself? Is Kiefer going to go to the chokey after every season? WTF, Kiefer? Do you just not want to be Jack Bauer anymore?

Brokedown Kimmy is back to be a pain in the ass again.

Dude, it's cold blooded that they're going to release the pathogen on a commuter train. I mean, I had moments where I was on the train and REALLY didn't want to go to work, but I didn't hope for a deadly virus or anything. I just hoped the train would stall out when I had a good book and didn't have to pee or anything. I'd just wait patiently, listening to music and reading a good book while the transit peeps fixed the train. The only time that ever happened to me it was when I was going to meet someone for brunch on a Sunday. Instead of being a welcome break from work, I missed brunch. Buzzkil.

YESSSSSSSS. A good Jack line. "Give him the morphine, but only enough to take the pain out of his voice." Greatness.

Chloe/Garofs showdowns are fun for me. Chloe's all, "And also....finger tattoos are so over, Garofs."

I'm a little disappointed in Aaron Pierce for giving away the farm to sneaky Olivia over the phone. He knows better than that. How does sneaky Olivia know Martin the assassin booker? I wish I knew an assassin booker. Instead, I have to rely on my fists of fury. I do want to know who the assassin is, though. And why Livvy doesn't want him mad at her. Will she get got??

I still don't know the name of the chick with the wigs. I never can remember it. She gets to wear fun costumes though. There aren't enought disguises in this show. Disguises make everything more exciting and fun.

Oh, Jack and Tony reunited and it feels so good. But why is Tony pretty much running an international terror ring from a Sidekick?

Garofs/Chloe showdown now?? Garofs is all, "you're old and don't get cell phones. Why don't you go watch Dora the Explorer with your kid."

Is Tony going to turn out to be a good guy in the end? I wouldn't blame him if he didn't since they sent him out like a punk the first time they 'killed' him.

It's counting down! boop beep boop beep boop beep Did you notice that the timer was at 1:24. 24! Get it!

JACK SAVES L.A.!!!!! Again!!!!

Oh no. But of course, now that the immediate threat is over, Jack's condition must worsen. How else will we keep the drama going for the remaining hours?

See??? I told you Kim is going to be a pain in the ass. She is a magnet for trouble, that one. She has been causing nothing but trouble since Day 1. OH! And someone (Mike??) recently reminded me about Kevin Dillon stalking her all crazy in the woods before he moved on to being Johnny Drama instead of "that guy." Nice one.

Ugh. Sneaky Olivia is becoming cheap actress Olivia. Don't you DARE play on the emotions of the pure of heart Aaron Pierce! For shame. He's a glorious example of lightness and truth and the dark-hearted Olivia tried to take advantage of that? Not my Aaron Pierce. He sees the evil in those that are so. She's such a snake. This is why Aaron Pierce is the Secret Service Agent to the Stars.

This episode is so great with the Janis/Chloe moments. They're taking it old school and I love it.

Um...if I was in an airport and saw some guy with an obvious camera with a full screen recording on it of the chick sitting right in front of him, I would IMMEDIATELY call him out as being a scumbag. Again, I say, WTF? If you see something, say something.


Damnits:
-"Damnit, Chloe. We're gonna have to do better than that." Drink.
-Whisper damnit by the terrorist leader ring guy.

There's no/we don't have times:
-"I didn't have time to decrypt all the location data." Drink.
-"We're running out of time. We're gonna have to narrow that down." Jack. Drink triple. They got us with a 1-2-3! holla!

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Torture. Again. Obviously.
-Giving morphine only to take the pain out of a guy's voice.
-Not letting things turn into a pursuit by smashing into Tony's van.
-Saving the world.

4:00am - 5:00am ::boop beep boop beep::

I'm super late, but you can deal with it. I actually started watching this last night, but I was so tired that I nearly went cross-eyed, so I just went to sleep instead. It was for the best.

Ok, so I know it's only been, like, 8 mins in 24 world, but it's been 100 years in the real world and I forgot that Chloe didn't know Jack started huffing off the bio weapon. Her BFFs are dropping like flies!

Did Tony know he was going to blackmail some Pakistani kid into taking the fall for the bio release? I'm just fascinated as to how he got a Jihad banner so quickly. Did he have it laying around?

Aaron Pierce does NOT like the First Daughter's shenanigans. He is far too good and upstanding to condone such things. He was protective of her at first, but now he's seeing her for the nut-crazy skank that she is. Another one let you down, Aaron Pierce. Chin up, kiddo.

Um...some mosque stuff happened. Jack arrests a guy just to keep him from using the phone. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Tony grows himself a terrorist. Grow-your-own-terrorist then convinces his brother that he's the big bad and they off to do terror stuff.

Olivia went all muder for hire on Waxy McHodges. She's pretty crazy in the brain. OH LOOK!! First Dude is back for some white house fun. He clearly made his little girl grow a conscience. Sorry, Olivia. You can't unring that bell.

Aaaaaaand Boom.

Ok, for serious, Olivia has crazy on the brain, but she's also dumb as rocks. Way to confess to contract killing over the phone.

What The EFFFFFFF. Pruney has a big mouth, too? Why are they treating the imam they met 20 mins ago (literally) as if he's their BFF and should obviously know all about Jack & The Bio Weapon and their operations. Ridiculous.

Damnits:
-Good ol' fashioned Damnnit from the Prez when she finds out Waxy got melted.
-"Damnit he's bleeding out! We need a medic now!" 2 cheers for Jack Damnit. DRINK

There's no/we don't have times:
-"we're on a timetable here. How long is this going to take?" Tony. Count it.

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Unlawful arrests.
-Emergency medical care and stuff

3:00am - 4:00am ::boop beep boop beep::

Jack doesn't care that his vocal chords are in spasm. His audible doesn't need vocal chords.

UGH!! I can't take Pruney anymore! Her acting is getting worse and worse as the day goes on. I think her muscles are the ones in spasm. And you know of everyone, SHE's the one who is going to live through the day and be in next season Damn you, 24!!!

Is anyone surprised that Tony's man is a double-crosser? No? Me neither.

Madam President is pissed with everyone and she can't wait to be done with this day. She's like when your parents say "I'm not angry. I'm just very disappointed in you." For serious...she gets to be disappointed mom for her crappy daughter, too.

Fucking hell, Tony. When will you learn? Don't shit where you eat!!!

I'm digging the top secret spy Skype they've got going on. Shall we call it Spype? Get it? GET IT? ok, fine. I'm lame. Shut up.

HA! Did Tony take the shower curtain off of the guy he suffocated in order to take a shower? Or did he just say, "You know what? No shower curtain for me. I'm Tony Almeida, bitch!" Cold blooded.

Classic JB line: "Relax, Mr. Hodges. You're already dead." From the shadows. Nice.

Woah woah woah. Jack came in and Hodges asked who he was, but then says, he watched the Senate hearings and that what was done to Jacky boy was a travesty. Are they going to tell us that Waxy Hodges is losing his marbles? I know that he's made of wax and everything, but come on. Continuity, por favor!

OH SNAP! Guess who's going back to CTU!!! And guess who's rocking the servers! Hellz yeah. It's Chloe O'B! PLEASE let there be a Chloe PSA this episode. They make my heart sing.

Oh, sweet heavens. Jack telling Chloe about Tony. "Chloe, he tried to kill me." I would love to add, "about 45 mins ago." Seriously, Jack is made of steel.

I thought they guy they were going to frame was involved. I didn't know they were going to frame some random dude. Again, I say--cold blooded!

Um...is the Prez's daughter trying to use my sweet Aaron Pierce for evil? She is a sneaky ass ho and I don't like it one bit. She A)sucks at classified stuff and B) has no business even being around Agent Pierce, our shiny white light of hope and goodness.

Garofs/Chloe dream team is superb. Ane THEN the 1-2 punch of his going off on Garofs. I mean, sure he was all confused and twitchy, but still. Sometimes our guy has to be heavy-handed. Its tough love, Bauer style. Do you feel loved?

Damnits:
-Where are all the damn damits!!!! Not even one in Jack's rant? Awful.

There's no/we don't have times:
-"Janis, do this or I will find someone who will. I do not have time to argue." Pruney getting all hard-ass.

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Talking when his vocal chords are in spasm. Obviously.

2:00am - 3:00am ::boop beep boop beep::

Is this the episode where we find out that the conspiracy goes up even higher. Will the President find out that SHE is actually the terrorist? Yeah. The conspiracy goes all the way up to her.

OOH! I'm liking this attorney-nabbing. Everyone loves a good doppleganger. Also, those same people like to say doppleganger. Those people are me.

What is Tony's partner from? I recognize him, but can't place him. WTF??? Is he just "that guy"?? Dude, I don't like what they've done with Tony. He's not allowed to be a baddie. I suppose we'll just have to wait for the 400 other twists & turns to find out if he's a bad guy for real or for fake.

I know Pruney is all bent about L-Mo getting dead since they used to do the nasty together and all, but it has to be noted that Kim Bauer is looking beat. Even Pruney von Crypt Keeper can't make her look so good. Yeah, that's right. I said it. Kim Bauer is looking b-e-a-t.

Intrigue and S.W.A.T. teams and canisters, OH MY!

I love that they made the doppleganger kinda porn-starish. You know, just in case she had to charm her way in or something. Its very important to make sure that Waxy Voight gets his heart-attack-inducer, so I guess hedging their bets was the way to go.

Oh, Pruny. Don't fight your feelings. It's ok to be relieved that L-Mo is dead, thus leaving a free path to our boy Jack. And never, fear dear readers. I'm sure Jack will figure out that someone helped L-Mo into the light. Don't fear the reaper, L-Mo!!! Tony, you're going to be found out.

NOOOOOOO. Who is brokedown Kim's new boyfriend??? What happened to Ponyboy Curtis? This is the biggest disappointment of the season thus far. And I see rings. Which OBVIOUSLY means that this new guy is her babydaddy. Legit-style. The audio is cutting out on my dvr for some reason, but i do know that she's got a girlbaby named Terry, huh? Oh, the references to Jack's one and only true love. (sorry Audrey) Gotta love season 1 nostalgia.

Uh oh. Did Pruney go boom? Jack is gonna have a bad case of the sads if she got blow'd up.

eh. crap. She lives to Prune another day. .....or hour.....or whatever.


I smell a Jack/Tony showdown. too bad Jack's got the shakes. This won't be awesome unless there's some sort of choreographed number--preferably a dance-fight a'la Michael Jackson's Bad video.

In conclusion, Tony's PSA is lame-ass compared to the splendor that is Chloe's little slice of heaven last week.. She made me want to go out and fight global warming by her sheer awesomeness. It's not Tony's fault. You can't follow Chloe. You just can't.

Damnits:
-uh...none? what did YOU find?

There's no/We don't have times:
-"That doesn't give me much time." "No, it doesn't. Maybe you should get off the phone and get to it." -'that guy' talking to evil Tony

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Helicopter grief therapy. aka"Heliapy" yeah, I made it up. But JB is pretty smooth at it.

1:00am - 2:00am ::boop beep boop beep::

I love how the President is like your mom. She's not having your lip.

Renee is starting to look increasingly like the Crypt Keeper. This day has not been kind to our girl. You see it too, right?


Exfiltrated?? That's a brand new one. The opposite of infiltrated, huh? I like it a lot.

So, the Prez basically gave Jack the green light to do whatever the eff he wanted, huh. That should equal fun for us. I hope.

Jack, Tony, Pruney and L-Mo are all joining forces now. We need Chloe and the ghost of Bill Buchanan to complete the circle.

Judo chop! When Tony comes back from the dead, he comes back which a vengeance. And with a few tricks up his sleeve, too. Think he will get killed again this season? I really wish I could find that original email that started this blog fuckery. You old heads remember the one, right?? Where the Wayne Palmer's BMW was getting out run by a bunch of econoline vans and Tony Almeida (supposedly) died like a punk? Horrid.

uh...Waxy Voight is a business man now? His plan to go legit is to hold the US hostage? "Lets move past this." What a psycho. This really is a variation on the plot of The Rock, isn't it? I'd love it if Connery rolled through just to say "Welcome to the Rock."

Why would Tony shove his arm down through the grate without even tryng to lift it first. Those things don't look like they're securely held in there. He could have shaved off a few seconds before blowing the place sky high. Of course if this is Tony's big finish, at least they would have had him go out like a badass.

Did anyone else want to see the Prez kick Voight right in the nuts? Seriously--he needed a shot to the ball-eenz.

The Prez is totally your mom. She's so mom-ish. She's all concerned and stuff about Jack. I think she wants to make him chicken soup. Oh, man. Mom's homemade chicken soup is the best. Good job, Mom! Maybe your soup can save Jack Bauer.

Kim is there to see Jack and save the day. Or is she trying to get to Jack to make him feel like a turd pie? I suppose we shall see.

I bet she's got a kid or something doesn't she? Jack Bauer a grandpa?? Nah. We can't have that. There's already 1 grandpa bauer and he's off globetrotting with Boy Kim.

Oh geez! The one dude who snuck off was the bad guy! he's new. I recognized him from something, which obviously means that he was a character for realz. Who does he work for? Who does he work for????

Oh, Tony. You done us dirty again. And took out poor L-Mo in the process. You break my heart, Tony. What will Jack say?

OH. MY. GOD. Chloe's PSA is pretty much the best thing I've ever seen. EVER. EHVAR. I watched it about 4 times and it was the best thing in the whole wide world. Truly made this episode end on a high note. Magical.

Damnits:
uh....none? no drinking for you. that's sad.

There's no/We don't have times:
-"Suspect's on foot. We can't wait for backup. We're moving in right now." Count it.

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Being heartfelt

12:00am - 1:00am ::boop beep boop beep::

"The FBI is pinned down" !!!!!!! Dougie Knowles, Chairman of the Starkwood board. MT, that one's for you. I know how you love "pinned down." Happy Opening Day!
I'm pretty sure Doug Knowles isn't going to live through the rest of the 24 hours, though.

Looks like our boy Jack has the shakes like a bad hangover. And the Prez wants to send him into the field. It's a good thing that's what Jack wants. Jack Bauer always gets what he wants.

Well, it was only a matter of time until the First Daughter's sneaky ways came out. She's gonna go slut it up to try to keep her reporter friend quiet. Anyone surprised? Me neither.

Uh oh. I don't know if Jack is going to be able to identify the canisters. He's sickly, you know. You can tell by the buggy eyes and purplish complexion. You know who he looks kind of like--John Voight. Because seriously, that dude looks more and more like a wax figure every day.

Little Livvy is going to get herself done in. She's really the worst at keeping national secrets. Also, she's kind of a whore.

OH SNAP! Jack has to get stem cells from Kim if he wants to live?? Don't they know that he's also got a son. His name is boy Kim. They should see if boy Kim can give him some stem cells. Isn't he still hanging with Papa Bauer? Maybe they can all give him stem cells together.

Pause for Sprint product placement.

Jona Voight's speech is suspiciously reminiscent of The Rock. Of course, the whole smashing the dude with a crystal decanter and then throwing him over a railing seems pretty excessive.

Poor Aaron Pierce! He has to hang outside the door while Livvy gets all freaky with reporter dude? Aaron Pierce is better than that. He doesn't need to do the ho stroll back to the White House with her skank ass. Do not bring Aaron Pierce into your trampy double blackmail schemes. He's better than that. He got shot today. Let the man go home and have a scotch and a Tylenol and leave him out of this fuckery.



Damnits:
-Whisper damnit by 1 Tony Almeida when Dougie Knowles sacrifices himself to let Tony get the last 2 numbers.
-"DAMNIT Admiral! Abort the air strike immediately!" Prez.

There's no/we don't have times:
"I know there's no time to bring in more tac support (that's tactical support, for the layperson) so gimme something else!" L-Mo leading the catch phrases.

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Identifying canisters while dying of the bio-weapon sicks.

11:00pm - 12:00am ::boop beep boop beep::

Our boy Jack was exposed to bio-badness when he peeped into the truck hole. I am pretty disappointed in him for what is obviously a big DUH moment of needing to not plug the truck hole with his face. I think it was all a plot for CDC chick to get Jack nekkid. Of course, it was really just a reminder for us all of the crap that Jack has been
through over the .... days.

CDC chick doesn't know it yet, but she's totally into bio-infected Jack.

First daughter is still a sneaky biatch. Everyone on the White House staff hates her skank ass. I bet she's in with Starkwood. Ya think? And she's got her hooks into Secret Service Agent to the Stars Aaron Pierce! I don't like it one bit.

The Prez is pretty badass, though. Too bad her daughter is broken in the brain.

He never gets shotgun!!! But he knows how to use a gun...Greg Seaton (aka Slater from Dazed & Confused) saves Tony! He may try to join Jack & Tony's wonder twins gang. The Wonder Triplets? Not the same.

At least Jack isn't going to die immediately. Well, not that I was concerned. He is pretty much invincible, you know. Positive bloodwork be damned.
Oh, Pruney. Don't be sad. Jack never loved you anyway. Get over yourself.
Seriously, I don't know what's up with these people. They're all like contestants on The Bachelor falling in love with each other at first site...in the crazy way. You'd think Renee and L-Mo have known Jack for years instead of 10 hours or something. I find it weird. That's all. Shit, I half expected Pruney to cry/choke/whisper, "But...I was going to marry him." You know she thought it.

Is it the smartest idea to blow the door on a bio-weapon facility? They didn't know it was empty or anything, but still. I'm disappointed in Seaton/Slater. All he really wants to do is go home and smoke a fat joint. You can see it in his eyes. The eyes don't lie. And the belly's got the munchies.

Poor L-Mo. He grows a pair again just to get them taken away by mercenaries. He's had a rough day.

Damnits:
-"Lets do it. Damnit." Whisper damnit from Johnny boy Voight. Barely recognizable. Much like his waxy face.

There's no/we don't have times:
Didn't catch any. Did you?

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Not dying of bio-badness.

10:00pm - 11:00pm ::boop beep boop beep::

Hey! Look everybody! L-Mo got his balls back! Congrats, L-Mo! Betrayal by your lady love will do that I guess. Just ask Jack.

Hey! Look everybody! Tony's rockin' this episode!

Hey! Look everybody! The First Dude is still alive...sort of. Remember him? Yeah, me neither. It's been hours. My money is on him being dead by the end of the day(season). I place my bet because, as the president said, "he's expected to make a full recovery." That's a death sentence, mofo.

I'm not sure what to make of Ethan's resignation. I was so sure he had some connection to the squeaky leak. Touche, 24.

First rule of security guarding: don't talk about security guarding.
Second rule of security guarding: don't talk on your cell phone during security guarding. Jack Bauer WILL abduct your ass.
Third rule of security guarding: Join Jack Bauer's team. Then you will RULE security guarding.

This whole Senator Mayer thing is throwing me all off. I keep hearing Senator Mayor. For a few hours there, I wasn't sure if he was a Senator or a Mayor. 24 needs to choose a new name next time. This was a poor decision for easily confused viewers such as myself.

Oh, Security Carl. You did it for cash didn't you? Can't support incoming twins on a security guard salary, huh? Yeah. It's a recession. We're all feeling it. Please note, the rest of us didn't resort to workplace espionage. For shame, Security Carl. For this you must die. Seriously-- dude's dead, right? Maybe Jack will step in and raise his twinsies to be super spies!!! Security Carl should be so lucky.

Olivia is a sneaker pants! For real. She's a lie-teller, right? I'm not the only one, am I? I'm not. Vindication. She's also kinda slutty, huh.

This episode is really going into Die Hard territory. Jack leaps into the cab of the vehicle, punches him out and jumps into the driver seat without even slowing down. Wasn't that in Die Hard with a Vengeance? the Aqueduct!

Uh....is it wise to open the cargo container holding a bio weapon that is apparently LEAKING?? That seems like a truly ill-advised decision on Jack's part. And if he was going to go in there, at least go around to the side of the truck that isn't sliced open. Unsafe, Jack.

So, L-Mo (fickle with his affections), is now back on Team Jack and concerned for his bio-weapon-breathing self. I think he's angling to be the next Tony just in case something happens to the now Tony. Sorry, L-Mo. You're no Tony.

Wow, this episode was heavy on the Damnits, but there seems to still be plenty of time. Funny about that.

Damnits:
-"Damnit. Can't access the manifest. Their database is password protected." Jack threw a little stank on that damnit. DRINK!
-"Damnit, Jackwhatthehellareyoudoing." Tony damnit. Drink again!
-"Aw. Damnit" 2nd Tony Damnit in 2 mins. CHUG!!!
-whisper damnit from Jack when he hears that Tony done got captured.
-Big yelling Damnit when Jack lost the weapon. You're so drunk. Drink again!

-There's no/we don't have times:

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Saving Security Carl. I mean, come on, Carl.
-Cargo lot combat. Engage! Engage!
-Driving a big rig. Don't you need to be trained on that?

9:00pm - 10:00pm ::boop beep boop beep::

Morris!!!!! He's so fabulous and Eeeeeeenglish. Garofs is still no Chloe, but I like the liberal featuring of the finger tattoo.

My Nana would want you to know that they guy that killed Burnett was on General Hospital. I think he plays some bad guy on there too. I'll have to check with Nana and get back to you on that one.

Hmm....Starkwood. Defense contracts. Is this all a ploy to get the US to increase its defense spending? Wasn't that the plot of the last Die Hard movie? Yeah, I saw it. I mean, come on--John McClane surfed on the wing of a plane. What? It could happen.

This whole President/daughter thing is pretty annoying. She's like the kind of kid that comes off all sweet, but really tortured small animals when no one was looking.

Haha. Renee is all over Team Jack again. So fickle with her affections. Poor L-Mo just can't keep up. What's a boy to do?

"If I wanted to kill you, you'd be dead already." Such a good threat. It has been made several times this season, but it's always best coming from Jack. No one can pull it off quite the same way. I think Renee tried once, but it fell REALLY flat. Flat like her face. OH SNAP!!!

OK, will the victorious tone in the president's speech go over well or horribly? Oh wait....it won't matter since Olivia leaked all sorts of badness to the press. The president will be ruined! RUINED I say!!!

Morris saves the day. If only Milo didn't get capped in the head, we could have had a CTU reunion. Chloe rules. Gotta love the patented Chloe eye-roll.

Just when they make it look like Mayer is being set up to be the President next season, he gets picked off by an assassin. Will our boy Jack ever catch a break???

For real, Olivia definitely used to pull the wings off flies. She's sneaky.

Did Jack get shot? How is he bleeding enough so that the assassin guy follows a blood trail right to him? Are you kidding?? At least he's not injured so badly that he can't display some sweet karate moves and hand to hand combat. Or hand to 2 x 4 combat.

L-Mo is such a conclusion jumper to-er. Forensics will show that Jack obviously didn't kill Sen. Mayer. Don't worry little ones. Jack will be vindicated. Trust this.


Damnits:
-L-Mo damnit when he knows his lady love, Pruney won't turn in Jack Bauer. (and also has the hots for him)

There's no/we don't have times:
I didn't catch any this week, but it looks like next week will be chock full.

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-NOT being framed for murder.
-Casual hostage-taking. He just has to be in the room...no weapons required. It's so civilized.
-Tractor driving. 'nuff said.

8:00pm - 9:00pm ::boop beep boop beep::

Pardon the delay, but I've got a bad case of the ick and have been spending some quality time laying on the cold tile of my bathroom floor. Oddly, it's where I've gotten the most sleep in the last 3 nights. huh. And NO, it's not the vodka virus thankyouverymuch. It's a legit stomach flu. I'll be doing some pausing to dry heave. Three cheers for DVR.

Anyway, taking a break from my fever and barf-riddled life to make a run at this new episode. You're welcome.
The president's daughter is having a strong reaction on my upchuck reflex as a matter of fact.

"we can't shut it down. It's a live feed straight to the internet." Hilarious. Nothing can be stopped once it hits the internets!

um...WTF??? Did Bill Buchanan just blow himself up? I can't have this. Thank the TV gods that Aaron Pierce is still kicking. And of course that Jack is badass enough to take out Jumo like the superspy he is.

Seriously, Aaron Pierce is the best ever. EVER.

And obviously the Prez made a big mistake telling her daughter that it's over and she's safe. Of course the threat isn't over. There are still moles out there. MOLES!!!! L-Mo can't see past his Jack Bauer jealousy to let him do what he gots to do.

I can't believe Rory Cochrane is in this! I love the dude, but he will forever be Slater from Dazed & Confused. "Check ya later!"

......ginger ale break....

Yay! Usurping of authority! Pruney just rose a couple of notches in my book. There hasn't been enough usurping of authority in this season. It's about time we brought some back. OH! 2 usurps with 1 stone! Ethan is usurping the President's authority! Hooray!

OH SNAP! L-mo is firing Renee? They are going to have a big fight when they get home tonight.

Wow, that Quinn dude is cold-blooded. I guess he is a benevolent killer since he went for the dude with no family as opposed to the one that has grandkids and stuff, right?

OOH! Olivia is a firecracker, huh? Very finger-pointy. She's been reinstated for 5 seconds is already shaking things up. Looks like she thinks Ethan is the moley moley mole, too. I still don't know who John Voight is supposed to be. Do we know who he is in this little game, or are we still guessing? Did I miss it?

Burnett is such a whiney punk. I mean, shit. If you want to be a terrorist, then be a terrorist, but be prepared for interrogation. You're clearly going to get dead.

Jack is so logical in trying times. Even when he's running from the fuzz, he makes sure to call his peeps to cover his ass.

Ok, I'm off to sip more ginger ale and nurse my sorry self back to health. This took a lot out of me.

Damnits:
-"Damnit, Bauer, open the door!" L-Mo. weak.
-A redeeming damnit from L-Mo when Jack goes on the lam.....again.

There's no/we don't have times:
-"We're losing time. We have to initiate NOW." Pruney trying to get clearance for a

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Instigating authority-usurping.
-Drooling on himself. Eew.
-Hasty escapes following the drooling. Quickly redeems himself.

6:00pm - 8:00pm ::boop beep boop beep::

6:00pm - 7:00pm ::boop beep boop beep::
I'm watching this a little late and was already warned that I would need to "suspend reality" for this ep. I've been suspending reality on this fuckery for 3 seasons now.

According to Tony, the next terrorism window blows wide open at 1900 hours. For those of you not intimately familiar with military time, that's 7pm. So, it looks like the terrorism will he in hour 2 of this nonsense. Clearly, we're RUNNING OUT OF TIME!!!

General Juma will forever be Candyman to me. That movie scared the bejeebus out of me. Remember the bees???? Effing scary. I just imdb'd Tony "Candyman" Todd and he was also in season 3 as a detective. Can they do that?

I'm pretty jealous of the whole keeping booze in the office thing. I could never get away with that. My meetings would be so productive, though. Talk about creative problem solving!

How can Jack pull a gun on Bill Buchanan and then choke him out?? Although, I love that he whispers "Don't fight it" while he does it. Pretty soon, we'll have to add that to the hit list. It's all out of love. After all, the only way to keep BB out of it, is to handcuff him and choke him out. Naturally.

Chloe and Garofs are going to be buds by the end of this dat. I just know it. In the meantime, they are having fun being all awkward, nerday passive-aggressivy with each other.

Hellz yeah! That's what this show needs! More tazing!!! "Don't taze me, bro!!" Methinks Jack found a new toy. Fun times.
Burnett's kind of a weenie, so Jack doesn't need to cut off fingers or anything. Just some light tazing. And of course, the patented Jack Bauer audible whisper followed by the Jack Bauer ROAR! You know what I'm talking about.

How many times is this that Jack has been taken into custody today? Good heavens, people. Make up your minds!

WTF, Renee? Who do you think you are going in to a warehouse all by yourself to take down the baddies? Jack Bauer? She's gonna get taken -- again. HAHAHA. She LEAPS onto the boat, loses her gun and can't call L-Mo because her phone is all soggy. What a dumbass. Seriously.

What. The. Fuck.
Absurdity. Pruney is swimming like a first-timer in the shallow end. Serenity now!

Damnits:
Booooooooooo

There's no/we don't have times:
-"We're out of time" while Jack is handcuffing BB.
-Prez: "you should have come to me. You should have presented your case." Jack: "We didn't have time" DRINK!

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-TAZING!!! obviously. People...phones...you name it--he'll taze it!


7:00pm - 8:00pm ::boop beep boop beep::

YAY! Aaron Pierce in the first 5 mins of the hour?? I like it!

UUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH! Renee is the worst spy EVER! She doesn't grab the cop/ranger guy's gun or his radio??? WORST

There's some reverse Shawsank shit going on with this whole White House break-in. Jumo's some kind of backwards Andy Dufresne. I bet there's a Raquel Welch poster on the back of that file cabinet.

L-Mo is always 2 steps behind. He's going to have to save Pruney, though.

HAHA. "What the hell is he doing here?" "He's with me." Friggin' awesome. BB better not die for being such a hero. I swear on everything good and holy...if anything happens to BB or Aaron Pierce, I'm going to lose my marbles.

Since when do Secret Service agents not wear bulletproof vests? Isn't sort of a job requirement?
Aaron Pierce is going to save the day. You know this. It's why he's the Secret Service Agent to the stars. Duh.

ETHAN is the inside man. I'm TELLING you. It's why he got himself to the Pentagon and out of the White house before the attack. AND it's why Burnett wouldn't talk. Trust this.

The Veep finds Renee as annoying as I do. He threw some 'tude. That was fun for me.

NOOOOOOOOOOO! Not my Aaron Pierce!!!! It better have been a highly treateable flesh wound. He's the hero of all heroes. Teaching the prez's daughter how to do morse code while he's shot. The evildoers will pay for harming the pure goodness and glory of Aaron Pierce.

DUUUUUUUUDE. Juma is going to PAY for that slap. I think the prez is going to reverse her torture policy and FUCK HIM UP.

Damnits:
-"Damnit Bill. That's not good enough." Jack with an audible whisper. 2 for 1 on that one.
-Panic room whisper damnit. Jack style.
-2nd Panic room whisoer damnit when trying to short out the door.

There's no/we don't have times:
-Olivia Taylor coming out with it! "I'm going with you and don't argue. We don't have the time." She's falling for Aaron Pierce's charms for sure.

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-President saving. I think he's worked out some plan with the President or he wouldn't have opened the panic room. Right? I mean, he pretty much hasn't seen Kim or boy-Kim in a squillion years, so that whole daughter thing doesn't hold water. I mean, Kim was pretty much nothing but trouble.

5:00pm - 6:00pm ::boop beep boop beep::

To review: Jack and Pruney got arrested because Billy Walsh is trying to save his own heiney. Diner girl is so dead. First daughter doesn't give a crap about her mom, but just the mention of her pops and Aaron Peirce's shining beacon of hope and light makes her follow him anywhere.

Aww. Crazy Erica is in on Billy Walsh's half-baked treasony plan. AND apparently, he didn't want her to have "one of her meltdowns." Why would you get in cahoots with someone with a known case of the crazies, I ask you? Stupid, Billy Walsh. That was a tactical error. He'd never make it in CTU.

Oh, Pruney. You have broken your promises to so many people today. No one believes anything you say anymore. You're now the Pruney who cried wolf. You've also now turned Diner Girl into a mini super-spy. She thinks she can be a stunt driver from the back seat. Don't you know that only Jack Bauer can give his word? I told you Diner Girl was dead. Way to kill your witnesses, Pruney. Jerk. Next time you pull a gun on Jack he WILL kill you. Fair warning.

"You are needed in the Oval Office." "YOU are needed to shut your trap.I'm the President, biatch!" Again, I should totally write this show.

Dubaku is the worst dier ever. His only saving grace is that he keeps his lists of baddies in his intestines. Billy Walsh is an eavesdropper and Erica Crazy-pants has her long-predicted meltdown. Billy Walsh is a slimy self-saver, but he makes this shit interesting. Oh, Erica Crazy-pants, he's never going to leave his wife, and he's probably going to kill you. If only you weren't so crazy.

"It's got an auto-erase function. We've only got one download." OF COURSE you do. Lets make sure all things are set up for real and immediate failure. Is Crazy-pants in the Mainframe room at Terminal 4? If so, she's a goner. No good can come of working at Terminal 4. Told ya. Now you're crazy and dead. Office affair rule of thumb....he's never going to leave his wife and he'll probably kill you at Terminal 4. Garofs is going to out their affair, though. She knows about their sordid business.

L-Mo is a dumb fuck. That is all.

"I'd like to speak with my attorney." said Billy Walsh. That shit would get you NO WHERE fast at CTU. The FBI is for wimps.

See? Pruney can't even handle collateral damage. Diner Girl was slightly smarter than Crazy-pants, so for that, I give her credit, but come on. Jack must be going soft. The Jack I know and love wouldn't take that kind of face-slapping from Pruney. She's cruising for a Bauer bruising.

Bill Buchanan is the shit. I hope he can get Tony off the hook a little, too. Especially because, as Tony puts it, "This ain't over yet," Can't save the day in 10 hours. We clearly need another bad guy to stretch this day out so that it can be saved in precisely 24 hours. Obviously.

SPOILER ALERT: Candyman is going to attack the White House. He still scares me.

Damnits:
-Big one by Crazy-pants. Her list-crashing is not going to plan. Cue the meltdown. I don't buy her as smart. At all. It's a good thing she won't live through the day.

There's no\we don't have times:
-Paramedic. "Sir, we don't have time." Jack doesn't need to hear that shit and now has the contact list that was hiding in Dubaku's guts.
-Jack to Tony--"...he'll start running. You don't have a lot of time." Close enough. DRINK!!!

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Conspicuous tailing. No need for safe distances or safe driving for the matter. Jack will always get his man.
-Spontaneous surgical extractions of bad-guy lists. 'Nuff said.

4:00pm - 5:00pm ::boop beep boop beep::

Will First Dude Live? Will First Dude die? Will Dubaku's lady-piece's sister blow up his spot and get herself a dirt nap? Will Renee keep up the premise of usefulness? (Renee's already had a dirt nap once this season. heehee) So many questions. So, little time...
See what I did?? I already worked in a NO TIME!

BB and Chloe are security gurus! I love the Scooby gang coming back together.

Dubaku is scaring diner chick. Cutting her off from her family and whatnot. I don't think she's going to like being an African princess married to a warlord. How can she leave tonight? Doesn't she need to make sure her passport is in order and that she's had all of her malaria shots and such?

L-Mo is totally breaking up with Pruney face Renee. We saw this coming for miles. Wash the blood from your hands Renee! The death is on your soul! Out damn spot! Jack keeps Renee from being a huge downer. L-Mo can detect the lust in her voice when Jack walks in. They're secret boring-ass love affair is so over. I need more Billy Walsh/Office Tramp love affair. I bet theirs is way more exciting. She's going to get all unhinged soon, too.

PRODUCT PLACEMENT!!!! (seriously--so much product placement)

I hope there is a Chloe/Garfos showdown. Is Garofs with the baddies? Do you think? Even if she's not, she's giving Chloe the side eye in a big way.

OMG!!! BB is going to send Tony Almeida to get Lady Prez's daughter. If Tony can broker a reunion, then maybe he'll get a presidential pardon and he and Jack can be super twins with BB and Chloe.

AARON PIERCE! AARON PIERCE!!!! HOLY CRAP! Secret Service Agent to the Stars is back! ohmigod ohmigod omigod. I want to know everything he's been up to. Is he still hanging out with former boozy first lady? I have so many questions. I'm just so happy that Aaron Pierce is back to be a shining light of goodness in all of our lives.

There is a lot of people giving their word and having no options in this episode. It's like the poor man's catch phrase episode of 24. If it weren't for Aaron Pierce, SS agent to the Stars, we'd be S.O.L.

Billy Walsh is the moley moley mole, huh? I'm not surprised.I wonder if Erica Office Tramp knows he's with the evildoers. Maybe she's an evildoer, too. That really just means that when she takes the flying leap off the deep end, it will be super entertaining.

Next week: Dubaku looks like he's got some murder in his heart for diner chick. And it looks like Renee is going to catch a case of the crazies on Jack and then potentially make out with him???? Gross

Last week was such a tease compared to this week.

Damnits:
-"I don't give a damn." Lady Prez. I'm counting it. I like her. She's the next best prez since David Palmer. Now we have to live with being in good hands with him and Allstate.

There's No/We Don't Have Times:
-There was a lot of "we don't have another choice(s)"

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Giving Renee stuff to do and keeping her from doing dumb crap.

3:00pm - 4:00pm ::boop beep boop beep::

From real presidential speech to fake presidential speech. Weird.

First dude is trapped with the baddies! And they're going to use him to blackmail the prez? um....ok. Maybe Jack Bauer will save him. I like the prez. She's kind of hardcore. She's all, "I'll sacrifice my husband if I have to. Hell, I'm the prez, it's kind of my job. Sorry sweetie. I'll send Jack Bauer, but he didn't make any promises. I'm prepared to lose you." It's cold blooded, but I respect it.

Bill Buchanan is pretty smooth too. Renee Walker is a big pain in the ass. She really needs to step up her game. She can't recover the CIP device, she can't keep up with Jack Bauer, she can't save herself when buried alive. Useless.

They now know that Fetus Agent was one of the baddies. It's about time. Now they need to get Money-grubbing Agent. He's on shift at 4, you know. Jack is going to save the day! He has to take useless Renee with him, though. Really, she's only going to slow him down. Renee is totally booty calling Larry Moss to do what she wants! Well, not really booty calling, but they're having an affair and stuff, so she trusts the booty. Careful, Renee. It's burned others in the past.
I really wanted to change Larry's line from, "Oh my god. I thought I'd never see you again" to, "Oh, my god. You look like shit. I hope I never see you again." This show would be so much better if I wrote it. :-P

Billy Walsh better be careful. The Erica chick is going to exact some revenge on him. No doubt. Hell hath no fury like an agent with level 3 clearance scorned. She's got a case of the crazies. I promise you.

Jack is totally telling the lovebirds what's the what. The pair that Larry grew last week just retracted. He's nothing compared to La Bauer. It was a puss move throwing the keys, too. What a weenie. It's called collateral damage, L-Mo. Oh, I'm psyched that I just thought of that name. He's L-Mo from now on! Yippeeeeeee!!!

Yeah, Renee sucks at intimidation. Although, the baby looked scared. But I'm pretty sure he was just wondering if a vampire bit her neck. That's right, kid. a vampire named JACK'S GUN, BIATCH!!!! Mostly now he's afraid of her pruney face. You ARE a monster, Renee. A monster.

Taking out M-G Agent and his 90's pseudo bowl-cut hairdo. He looks like a character from Gleaming the Cube who just never changed his 'do. I can dig it.

DISGUISES??!?!?!! Oh, Bill! Thank you! This made my night. I love disguises.

Oh, snap! Renee can't handle the badassedness of intimidating mothers and babies, but she's in.....until tomorrow. Then she retires pruney face. What she doesn't know is that this will haunt her for the rest of her life....and L-Mo will never look at her the same way again. Oh, Renee, you're in for a rude awakening. In the meantime, L-Mo has his hands full with that rascal Billy Walsh.

What's up with waitress girl? There has to be some reason why the bad guy is with her. Her sister can't put the fright in him without something that throws a wrench in his plans, right? Evil geniuses don't really have girlfriends unless they are their evil henchmen (henchwomen?) or serve some evil purpose. Maybe waitress girl is in on this. I think her sister's gonna get dead, though.

It's a trap! It's a trap! Wasted disguises! Where's the First Dude? Is he dead? Or does he just have 8 fingers now?
Renee shot a guy! She's not useless!

Oh, man. The First Dude done got shot. They'll save him, though. The prez is going to have to explain how she was willing to let him die and junk. Awkward......

This episode made me kinda happy. We got back to the meat of 24 and multiple instances of our favorite catch phrases! Did I miss any?

Damnits:
-"Damnit. Which street is he on now?" (or something when they're chasing Money-Grubbing Agent) FINALLY a Jack Bauer Damnit!!!! Drink double!!!
-Whisper Damnit when he can't drive his crashed car! Finally, Jack! Have you been reading this? I didn't know if you loved us anymore, but now I feel the love!
-"Damnit, Renee! What the hell are you doing with this guy?" L-Mo damnit. He's jealous of Jack's awesomeness and thinks his lady friend is into Jack's hotness. So much Jack.

There's no/we don't have times:
-"We need you to go along with his demands and buy us some time. Madam President, you don't have another choice." If you jumble the words in those sentences, it totally counts. COUNT IT!!!
-"There's no time for that!" Renee trying to get her boyf to believe all her crazy-ass stories. Damn you, Renee! You're taking all the damnits and no-times!
-"You are running out of time" to M-G Agent trying to find the First Dude. Drink Triple!!!!

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Double agentry. Duh. He even shocks the hell out of the prez. She didn't see it coming, but she's down with Jack plans. That's smooth.
-Using mirrors to surveil around corners. He should probably lend his compact to pruney face so that she can see what her pruney face looks like.

2:00pm - 3:00pm ::boop beep boop beep::

First and foremost...shout out to the overseas readers!!!! What up, Europe! Three cheers for foreign diplomacy! You guys rock hard and I love the crap out of you. Yeah, you're the shit.

Now down to business...Larry Moss just grew a pair. I swear, I heard his voice change. He doesn't know yet that his lady love is falling prey to the irresistible stench of Bauer. Renee is one smitten kitten and totally digging double agentry. I'm kind of impressed by it since they clearly dressed her in new I-wasn't-buried-alive-2-hours-ago clothes -- that fit perfectly, no less.

Star of this episode (pun intended): Garofs with the fancy finger tattoo. Are you allowed to have visible tattoos in the FBI? Finger-tat has been prominently showcased in multiple episodes so far. Anytat, she's got the ear of the Ohio chem plant guy. Wasn't he the dad on My So Called Life? Brian Krackow last year and Angela Chase's dad this year? Do they share a casting director? Are we to expect a more angsty turn to 24 this year? Again, I ask...where is Jordan Catalano? Oh yeah, he's off being emo. Righty-o.

I'm kind of loving this whole chemical plant buisness. If the gas is released, it could kill people 30,000 people within miles of it. Silent but deadly. hehe. Like a fart in the wind! hahahaha. I'm 5.

Mr. Chase is a chauvinist, but I'm pretty sure it's more that he can't remember Garofs' name. More importantly, he has a pretty amazing bluetooth if he can put on a gas mask and carry on a conversation without anyone knowing the difference. He's quite selfless for a chauvinist, too.

I don't know if this show has conditioned me to think everyone is a sneaky bastard, but I suddenly don't trust Renee. Maybe she'll surprise me, but I think she might be a sneaky pants.

Garofs and Billy Walsh are kind of like a brokedown version of Chloe and Milo. Just saying.

Secret service kind of blows if they "can't find" they First Dude and Fetus Agent for over an hour. Isn't it pretty much required to have access at all times?? First dude is clearly no longer paralyzed, but now walks like Gumby or a drunk teenager which mostly just makes me giggle.

I'm pretty certain that Tony is not going to turn himself in when all this is over. You can tell by the goatee.

Um...Dubaku apparently lives in a Principal's office. How's your frosted glass door, criminal mastermind??

Damnits:
None??? WTF?

There's no/we don't have time:
I got a couple of close ones, but this season is shaping up to be the worst drinking game season ever. Sad.

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Laser tag! They were playing laser tag that whole time. Seriously! I'm 100% sure they didn't have a set budget, so they went to a laser tag course to film that whole shootout scene. I'm not mad at them.
-Knowing that nervous, sweaty guys are wired with bombs.

1:00pm - 2:00pm ::boop beep boop beep::

My cable's on the fritz and keeps cutting out (I blame the cold), so I might be missing a good chunk of our favorite catch phrases. Apologies in advance, but I know your salty asses will correct me pretty much immediately, so away we go...

Bill Buchanan and Chloe come to the rescue of buried-alive Renee. The way Bill launched himself down into that ravine, I'm surprised that he didn't crush little Renee's windpipe. That would have been a big oops.

Ugh! THANK YOU!!!! I totally couldn't remember that dude Christopher Anderson's name. I feel so much better now that I know the name of the bad guy that season. 24 is sort of like chinese food. I'm totally into all the characters during that season, but the second the season is over, I forget who everyone is. What gives? That never happened to me with Friends.

The jig is up! Now Tony and Jack can't be double agents to the double agents. Wait--or are they still double agents as Buchanan's Crusaders? Are all the good guys unwitting double agents if all the bad guys are in the prez's office? I'm so confused.

I'm thinking of adding the term "endgame" to my Jack Bauer Power Hour. Gotta figure out how to fit that in.

What does the CIP device do? I still don't know. One of you tell me! I know you know! Does it just hack into air traffic control? WTF? Or can it get into any system? This is dumb.

The Prez is pretty ballsy. Was that dude who walked out of the war room the Secretary of Defense? Isn't that pretty much his turf? My concern with the Prez is...what's with the quiet moments of reflection? Doesn't she know that THERE'S NO TIME for that sort of thing?? heehee

We need more Chloe in these episodes. "Are you with the FBI?" "No, I'm a stay at home mom." She should give Garofs some lessons.

Renee has pruney face, but she's definetly going over to the double-agentry side. She better stop making faces like she's smelling farts and make with the damnits if she wants to fit in. Furthermore, her audible whisper needs some work. Tony and Jack have their work cut out for them with that one.

I truly can't take the Fetus Secret Service agent seriously. He looks like he should be on Friday Night Lights, not assigned to the First Dude. And you know he researched his role by watching American Psycho over and over. He thinks he's all Pat Bateman and shit. If he had paid attention, he would have known to wear a full length clear raincoat instead of just plastic gloves. Dumbass.

I had no idea Tony was a gem expert? I wonder if he has one of those magnifying monacle thingies. He's nifty.

Ah, double-crossery. Good times. Wait--didn't Jack shoot that dude in the foot? Was it one of those "dance, monkey dance" type moves? 'Cause that bad guy was NOT limping. Is this how it works? When a bad guy double-crosses you, do you take out one of his guys, then fire a warning shot at him & continue business? That's a little weird, no? Means to an end, I guess.

This fuckery happens a couple of times per season. Someone bests a murderous opponent that should easily out match him. How can the paralyzed First Dude, who can just barely move his little fingers I might add, be a match for Fetus Agent? Fetus Agent should be well-trained in multiple combat techniques. I don't get it.

WHAT??? I just saw the news teaser? Why do these bastards do this to me? There's a salmonella scare at Starbucks?? That means I may have had a delicious salmonella latte today! Oh, crap. I'll obviously be dead by morning. Please do avenge me.


Well, either there were none of the following in this episode, it was a total snooze, or the salmonella is already taking effect. I didn't count anything and Jack wasn't very smooth in this particular hour.
Damnits: negative
There's No/We Don't Have Time(s): nada
Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth: nope

12:00pm - 1:00pm ::boop beep boop beep::

We last left our daring duo (Jack & Tony) trying to break in to the safe room to kidnap Motobo, the African Prime Minister. Did they really need to tear through all that dry wall to guess that the giant room with the steel door was a safe room? I'm going to choose to guess that it's all part of their charade of double-agentry. Meanwhile, that new chick, Renee is totally angling to be the new Jack. She's all about going rogue and stuff.

This is all very interesting. I love that the guard is saved by a very timely call from the FBI. Damn you, 24! Why must you continually resort to the same tricks over and over! People are always shot or otherwise dispatched JUST before they divulge valuable information and people are always saved just a hair before getting offed for NOT giving up information.

I gotta say, I'm not loving Janis (Garofs) in this role. She's kind of a broke-down Chloe. I'm sure they tell these techie types to be painfully socially awkward, but I just don't buy it from Garofs. I don't think i like her in dramatic roles. She's meant to be biting and sarcastic, not twitchy and constipated-looking.

"Shut up. Or I will shut you up." hahahaha. Oh, Jack. I love when he gets all bitchy. Of course, he is trying to tell Renee the truth with his eyes in the truck. He can't stand when a good woman thinks he's a douche...or a "lying son of a bitch." But they always think that, don't they.

Oh, First Gentleman. Don't you know that the only trustworthy secret service agent is Secret Service Agent to the Stars, Aaron Pierce? You can't trust anyone else! Especially not a fetus of an agent that they have watching the first man.

YAAAAAY! Affairs in the FBI! They really ARE trying to be like CTU. What sluts! Billy Walsh and that Erica tramp start talking about what a relief it is that his wife is all safe and crap, and the next sentence, they're all drooly on each other. Government agencies are so immoral. And do Larry Moss and Renee Walker have a secret affair of some sort? I thought I detected a little sumthin' last episode, but I brushed it off thinking it was just bad acting.

What is the CIP device? Can't they spell that shit out for me once an episode or something? If you know, you better tell me, because it's driving me nuts.

Ugh. I'm so jealous of that apartment. And....DUH! Corrupt, fetus FBU agent was OBVIOUSLY going to kill the First Gentleman. The Prez is going to be so pissed when she finds out that her own corrupt administration killed everyone she loves. It's just rude.

Again, OBVIOUSLY, Jack wasn't going to kill a good agent such as Renee Walker, but how are he and Tony going to get around the pesky issue of how to make it look good and not bury her alive? Will our heroes find a way to keep their cover and save little Renee's life? Will their cover be blown? Will she be able to dig her way out of a dirt and plastic covered grave? Will her boyfriend Larry Moss find her in time? So many unanswered questions and so little caring about those answers.
::sigh:: I guess I'll be watching next week.

HAPPY DAY BEFORE INAUGURATION DAY!!!! SEE YA LATER, GEORGIE!!!!!

Damnit(s):
-A big one from that Larry Moss dude, the FBI boss guy, when Renee gets nabbed.


There's no/we don't have times:
-I think there was one when the head of the rogue spy ring wanted to bail on trying to break into the safe room. What was it?
-"We're on a timetable." when he's trying to get out of burying Renee Walker alive. The wording isn't exact, but it's just semantics. I count it.

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Making a gas chamber using household cleaners in the ventilation system.
-Pretending to shoot someone in the head.

10:00am - 12:00pm ::boop beep boop beep::

Night #2 and hours 3 and 4 in Season 7, huh? That's a whole lotta 24.

Well, away we go...

10:00am - 12:00pm ::boop beep boop beep::

OH, I'm sorry--you can't rebuilt firewalls for 6 days? Yeah, that's right. YOU can't rebuild firewalls, but you know who can? Jack Bauer. Just kidding...he can't. But Chloe can! And I don't mean substitute Chloe (aka. Garofs). You need the real Chloe up in this piece. When is she going to show? Obviously in this episode.

Moley moley moley mole. Only people with Level 4 clearance are allowed around Tony, huh? What are you NEW? The best moles have the highest clearance. Hell, even President Jerkface Logan sold out his wife and his country. Clearance doesn't go any higher than that, biatch.

Is it bad that I laughed through the whole Jack/Tony screaming/choking match? I don't think that's the reaction they were going for. And for real? What did Tony say? oh, deep sky. HELL YES!!! BILL BUCHANAN!!! He looks svelte, no? Tony is totally the new Jack! Under cover on secret missions from the good guys. So THAT'S how they're going to get the Scooby gang back together. Tony had to piss Jack off enough to get him close and whisper sweet nothings in his ear. Those tricksters.

Quite a pickle this whole Africa business is, huh? You know what's behind it? ALL THE DAMN MOLES! As expected, Billy Walsh is a shady cat. He's definitely doing something he's not supposed to, but it's probably just working on a sequel to Medellin. Although, whenever someone goes to the mainframe room, murder ensues. Oh! Check it out! scary business in the mainframe room. Terminal 4 is nothing but trouble. I don't buy the wife-on-the-plane business, though.

HAHAHA!! "Don't fight it" when Jack's choking out that Rene chick. Priceless. Don't get upset about it. It's all about getting the Jack and Tony dream team back together. I guess Chloe's little hacking adventure is the leak they're chasing down. Duh. Now it's like a showdown between Garofs and Chloe. Garofs might win this one, but Jack and Tony will blast their way out and we'll be fine. Don't be scurrd. Mostly, I'm just disappointed in Chloe for missing some key "Damnit" opportunities. But to be fair, Jack did miss a "We're pinned down" opportunity, too. 'Cause you know what happens when you're pinned down? You go out the window. Obviously.

I missed Tony. I know it's weird that he's back from the dead and everything, but I ain't mad at him. If he's alright in Buchanan's book, he's alright in mine. Even if BB's getaway car of choice is a periwinkle van. You heard right. Periwinkle. I love the new 3-man mini CTU. The only one missing is Karen Hayes.

OK, so I was totally wrong about Billy Walsh's wife. Still don't trust him, but whatever. I like that he's being all shady to land his wifey's plane.

I don't like the side story with the president's kid and everything. I know we need some other urgent side story, but mysteries wrapped in mysteries are just annoying in this show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know it all ties together, but it just irritates the crap out of me. I mean, obviously that Samantha chick is dead. Her ass is definitely gonna get shot or something. And the fetus Secret Service agent is working for the baddies. It all goes back to the Secretary of Defense Ethan Kanin, right?

Looks like little Rene Walker learned a little something something from Jackypoo. Torture comes easy wen you don't get what you want, huh? She should seriously be thanking Jack. Think they'll add her to their team? Maybe next season.

In the meantime, we'll have to see if our dream team can save the prime minister from certain death without blowing their cover. DUN DUN DUN!!!!!!!
Sorry--you'll just have to wait until next week. I know, that's a super long time to wait for more 24 after 2 days worth of double doses. I guess it was Fox's way of making up for how long it was between seasons.


Damnit(s):
-"Damnit, Tony! Why didn't you call the authorities?!" Jack, very disappointed in Tony for working for the bad guys and slowly realizing his ass is going to go under with the baddies, too.
-Presidential Damnit: "Damnit, Ethan. Do you want another Bay of Pigs?" Very presidential. Good times.


There's no/We don't have time(s):
-"You're running out of time. You don't have a better option." Score one for Jack, talking his way into a heart-to-heart with Tony.


Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Understanding secret codes whispered ever so slightly into his superhuman ears. Seriously...deep throat? I mean sky?

-Driving a car onto the 3rd floor roof without looking.

-As always, making and using human shields with spectacular results.

8am - 10am ::boop beep boop beep::

Well cats and kittens, since we're such gluttons for punishment, we are all back for more of the hot mess that 24 has turned into. It's been a long road since Jacky-poo last saved all our asses and we've all forgotten where things left off. Something about Jack standing on a hill either about to jump or run away and flee the long arm of the law. BUT WAIT! We got a stop gap update a couple of months back that apparently, Jack took a break from saving our American asses to go save African children's asses so that they don't get turned into child soldiers. Good job, Jack.

I didn't count Damnits or There's no/we don't have time(s) in the mini-movie, but I will tell you that you can add a new one to your list of things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Snapping a man's neck with both hands tied behind his back (ok, well over his head anyway) using only his legs. Keifer musta learned that move in the chokey. Badass.

8am - 10am ::boop beep boop beep::

NEW SEASON!!!!
Jack's on trial and some saucy new chick is obviously going to be his new love interest. That is, unless Audrey Raines gets out of the booby hatch and they can have a tearful reunion. Not bloody likely. You knew new chick Renee Walker is definitely going to get the hots for our favorite super agent Do you think Jack is going to show up in court tomorrow morning? He's going to be awfully tired from saving the world all day.
Janine Garofalo?? Is she the new Chloe? Sweet finger tattoo, Garofs. And this Sean business? No way. That dude has always been and will always be that nutbag Billy Walsh from Entourage.

AAAAND Tony Almeida is back from the dead. And apparently he's mad as hell and isn't gonna take it anymore. He must avenge the death of Michele Dessler!!! (Sidebar: For you loyal readers, you'll remember that the episode where Tony done got done in was the the episode that kicked off my rambling rants as well as the subsequent downhill slide of my love for 24. Clearly, I'm just not able to let go. Don't let me down, 24!! You've had a long time to give me something good here and I'm opening my heart to you once again. I wonder if I still have that original rant. Let me know if you want to see it and I will dig back through my gmail to see if I can find it.)

OK, hold on...the president's son wasn't killed in the 24 mini-movie, right? Did I forget that? I know they took out his coked-up,weaselly friend. Also, I wonder if the female president this season means that we'll have a female president in 2016. 2012 would be too soon. The US needs time to let the subliminal presidential message sink in. We might not have elected Obama if it wasn't for the exemplary service of one David Palmer. You know David Palmer paved the way.

I smell some torture a-brewing. Cut to 2 seconds later: OH MY GOD!!! Jack didn't even have to torture the guy! Just grab a pen and threaten to draw on his face! He's so scary like that. Of course, some perfectly timed sniper fire keeps us from any information. What we do know is that Tony Almeida is all-knowing and steps ahead of Jack for the first time in forever. Damn, Tony. Don't kill the innocents on the plane. That shit is cold blooded.

YES!!!! Love that we've already got a mole this season. In the FBI this time. Yeah, that's right. It's not just CTU that has all the moley moley moles. It's funny to me that they confiscated Jack's gun, but they should be more worried about his fists of fury and his lethal legs. They snap necks, you know. I'm also thinking that this Walker broad definitely has some romantic interest already in place in the FBI. I just can't decide if it's Larry Moss, the boss dude or Garofs. I wouldn't be surprised if they popped in a lezzie couple.

They're definitely making air traffic control look like a super exciting job. You know that shit is boring as hell. And I love that Tony calls the air traffic control manager directly. That dude can't possibly be important enough to warrant a direct call from Tony. He should be talking only to Jack. I mean, he has already co-opted the patented Jack Bauer audible whisper. How great would it be if they had an audible whisper phone conversation at least once an hour. It would all be very urgent.

MOLES!!!!! Moles everywhere. Way to stick with the formula, kids.



Damnits:
-2 from Renee! New chick kicking the season off with a bang! The first was an inwardly directed damnit for lying to her boss, but whatevs. The second, a whisper-damnit on the boat when she saw the file deletion was complete. We need a kick-ass Jack Bauer one, though. They are always way more powerful.

-Whisper damnit from Jack right before he chases Tony.
All in all, a weak showing on the Damnit front this first night.


There's no/We don't have time(s):
I didn't catch any. Did you? It's pretty early in the day for people to think they're running out of time. Of course, you bitches all love to correct my ass, so if you catch any, I bow to your superior listening skills.


Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Torturing a man by forcibly drawing on his face. You know he was totally going to write "DICK" in big letters on scarface.
-Noticing stuff. He noticed sniper guy's shoes. He noticed moles all over the place. He notices everything. His powers of observance are unparallelled.

Ok, that's all I got for now. We'll see if I make it through the whole season. I don't even know if any of you read this anymore. I know a crapload of people quit this 24 bitch long ago. But what the hell, let's see how long we can make this last. Happy new year!!!