8am - 10am ::boop beep boop beep::

Well cats and kittens, since we're such gluttons for punishment, we are all back for more of the hot mess that 24 has turned into. It's been a long road since Jacky-poo last saved all our asses and we've all forgotten where things left off. Something about Jack standing on a hill either about to jump or run away and flee the long arm of the law. BUT WAIT! We got a stop gap update a couple of months back that apparently, Jack took a break from saving our American asses to go save African children's asses so that they don't get turned into child soldiers. Good job, Jack.

I didn't count Damnits or There's no/we don't have time(s) in the mini-movie, but I will tell you that you can add a new one to your list of things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Snapping a man's neck with both hands tied behind his back (ok, well over his head anyway) using only his legs. Keifer musta learned that move in the chokey. Badass.

8am - 10am ::boop beep boop beep::

NEW SEASON!!!!
Jack's on trial and some saucy new chick is obviously going to be his new love interest. That is, unless Audrey Raines gets out of the booby hatch and they can have a tearful reunion. Not bloody likely. You knew new chick Renee Walker is definitely going to get the hots for our favorite super agent Do you think Jack is going to show up in court tomorrow morning? He's going to be awfully tired from saving the world all day.
Janine Garofalo?? Is she the new Chloe? Sweet finger tattoo, Garofs. And this Sean business? No way. That dude has always been and will always be that nutbag Billy Walsh from Entourage.

AAAAND Tony Almeida is back from the dead. And apparently he's mad as hell and isn't gonna take it anymore. He must avenge the death of Michele Dessler!!! (Sidebar: For you loyal readers, you'll remember that the episode where Tony done got done in was the the episode that kicked off my rambling rants as well as the subsequent downhill slide of my love for 24. Clearly, I'm just not able to let go. Don't let me down, 24!! You've had a long time to give me something good here and I'm opening my heart to you once again. I wonder if I still have that original rant. Let me know if you want to see it and I will dig back through my gmail to see if I can find it.)

OK, hold on...the president's son wasn't killed in the 24 mini-movie, right? Did I forget that? I know they took out his coked-up,weaselly friend. Also, I wonder if the female president this season means that we'll have a female president in 2016. 2012 would be too soon. The US needs time to let the subliminal presidential message sink in. We might not have elected Obama if it wasn't for the exemplary service of one David Palmer. You know David Palmer paved the way.

I smell some torture a-brewing. Cut to 2 seconds later: OH MY GOD!!! Jack didn't even have to torture the guy! Just grab a pen and threaten to draw on his face! He's so scary like that. Of course, some perfectly timed sniper fire keeps us from any information. What we do know is that Tony Almeida is all-knowing and steps ahead of Jack for the first time in forever. Damn, Tony. Don't kill the innocents on the plane. That shit is cold blooded.

YES!!!! Love that we've already got a mole this season. In the FBI this time. Yeah, that's right. It's not just CTU that has all the moley moley moles. It's funny to me that they confiscated Jack's gun, but they should be more worried about his fists of fury and his lethal legs. They snap necks, you know. I'm also thinking that this Walker broad definitely has some romantic interest already in place in the FBI. I just can't decide if it's Larry Moss, the boss dude or Garofs. I wouldn't be surprised if they popped in a lezzie couple.

They're definitely making air traffic control look like a super exciting job. You know that shit is boring as hell. And I love that Tony calls the air traffic control manager directly. That dude can't possibly be important enough to warrant a direct call from Tony. He should be talking only to Jack. I mean, he has already co-opted the patented Jack Bauer audible whisper. How great would it be if they had an audible whisper phone conversation at least once an hour. It would all be very urgent.

MOLES!!!!! Moles everywhere. Way to stick with the formula, kids.



Damnits:
-2 from Renee! New chick kicking the season off with a bang! The first was an inwardly directed damnit for lying to her boss, but whatevs. The second, a whisper-damnit on the boat when she saw the file deletion was complete. We need a kick-ass Jack Bauer one, though. They are always way more powerful.

-Whisper damnit from Jack right before he chases Tony.
All in all, a weak showing on the Damnit front this first night.


There's no/We don't have time(s):
I didn't catch any. Did you? It's pretty early in the day for people to think they're running out of time. Of course, you bitches all love to correct my ass, so if you catch any, I bow to your superior listening skills.


Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Torturing a man by forcibly drawing on his face. You know he was totally going to write "DICK" in big letters on scarface.
-Noticing stuff. He noticed sniper guy's shoes. He noticed moles all over the place. He notices everything. His powers of observance are unparallelled.

Ok, that's all I got for now. We'll see if I make it through the whole season. I don't even know if any of you read this anymore. I know a crapload of people quit this 24 bitch long ago. But what the hell, let's see how long we can make this last. Happy new year!!!