3:00pm - 4:00pm ::boop beep boop beep::

Happy Memorial Day, dear readers! I hope you thanked a Veteran today then ate lots of pork byproducts and drank cheap beer. Or expensive beer. What do I care? It's your money.

Kate has officially joined our heroes and yet still on the business end of Chloe's stink-eye.

Margo still has a bad case of the crazies and her daughter has some for real Stockholm syndrome or something. The crazy runs deep in that family. When is the son going to question Mommy Dearest?

6 runaway drones are headed right for us! Or London. Or any other place! Get ready for a lot of not-having-times.
So, the Americans have to warn the British, "The drones are coming! The drones are coming!"
Prediction: a shit ton of audible whispers when Jack and Audrey come face to face again.

Once again--"Kate, you saved us all! Get out. Thank you SO much for being a super-agent. Pack up your things and leave. You're amazing. You suck for not knowing your husband was a spy on America."

HOLD UP! Does Heller really not know what happened in the drone attack that killed Margo Crazytown's husband? Or is it his brain beginning to atrophy with surprising speed?

I need a closer look at the "ink" on Chloe with the Dragon Tattoo. That arm band is some kind of special fakeness.

I can't decide what I think about Boudreau. On the one hand, he's sneaky as hell. On the other, he's a morally righteous smug asshole who thinks he knows best for everyone. Hmmmmm...

I should look into getting myself an underground arms dealer.

BOOM! Jack just gave Heller an ultimatum! AND reminded him how little time we have. That's so Jack.

hahahahaha. Just when Jack tells us we're on borrowed time, the Naveed kid reminds us that "we have a little time." Silly, Naveed. He's new here. He's not long for this world.

Audrey and Jack: so many barely audible whispers. Most whispery exchange ever caught on network television.

Ok, I watched it twice and there's a random person who gasps when Heller confirms to the Prime Minister that Margo Crazytown can act on her threats. WHO IS THE GASPER??? (never seen on film)

Kate is thrown off the case, but still gets all involved, because that's what not-CTU agents do. Then she gives Chloe access to the CIA network because THAT'S what not-CTU agents do. Why do I feel like they're grooming Kate to be a 24 spinoff star?

Okaaaaaay, so there's an actual, real romance with Chloe and Adrian Cross? and he loves her. I thought this was going to be some implied romance or unrequited weirdness.

Prediction: Navarro and co gets blowed up by a drone having been given a fake address from the video's IP trace.
Will they get out in time? DO THEY HAVE TIME??

I'm a 24 psychic.

Next prediction: Kate gets put in charge of the operation. Because, duh.


Damnits:
Can I get a Damnit up in this piece?

There's no/we don't have times:
-"We have to move fast or a lot of people are gonna die." Kate quote. Pretty close. Consume your adult beverage of choice.
-"Even if you captured him alive, there's no way you'd break him with enough time to stop these attacks." Yep, put Jack in the field. It just feels so right. Cheers!
-"Mr. President, I hope you consider my request...while you still have time." That was a good one. DRINK!

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Telling the truth and being right about terrorist stuff.
-Acquiring things "by stealth." Because, YES.

2:00pm - 3:00pm ::boop beep boop beep::

Agent Kate Morgan and Jack aren't best friends yet, but Jack is already deciding that he wants her on Team Bauer. Will they meet up in the Embassy and join forces? Will they fall in love? Will Kate live through the day?  

Chloe's up to her old tricks, hacking into building schematics. Said schematics are extremely detailed. I'm certain they aren't readily available online.  

They are trying really hard not to say "you don't have much time" while the Marines are on their way. Obviously, the only choice is to shoot a bunch of them to buy more precious time.

Oh, Russian hooker. You think your mommy dearest is just super observant to notice that you have a secret, but really, she spies on you with cameras because she's a CREEPY BITCH. 

I lost audio while Boudreau is talking to Navarro and a chunk of the Jack/Chloe/Adrian Cross interaction. So, lets just say, they each said Damnit 1-2 times, and discussed at length how they were running out of time. Drink up!  You're welcome.

Audio returned.  

Gasp! Do I detect a Chloe/Adrian love affair a-brewing? 24 always peppers in some love interests here and there, and I appreciate the romance in the face of terrorism. So real-life.

Well, the cat's out of the bag. Audrey and the Prez both get all aflutter when they hear Jack is in the mix. Reunited and it feels so good?

Mommy Dearest is a sociopath, obviously. Love how this comes a such a shock to Simone. Brainwashing is so super fun.

Ooh Ooh! Jordan/Kate love story now? Is this Valentine's day in not-CTU? Good opportunity to remind us all that Kate got duped by her hubs. Just in case you were thinking she was really smart and awesome, it was important to remind you what a dumbass she is. 

Tug-o-war over Jack and Boudreau won? We hate him right? Yeah. He sucks.

Kate's getting really close to telling us all how little time we have. She's still new here. She'll learn.

I like Audrey again.  That is all.

Chloe with the Dragon Tattoo is giving some really good constipated face this hour.  We could use a classic Chloe stink-eye to really make this a party.

Kate has joined said party. Did some stellar Jack-convincing, furthered the terror-fighting cause, and bigtimed some Marines. Ballsy episode for the new chick.

Damnits:

ZILCH! Really?  Did I miss some?

There's no/we don't have times:

-YES! "Chloe, did you get that? We don't have much time." That was a good one. Drink a whole bunch.

-Kate didn't disappoint. "You don't have that much time." Welcome to 24, Kate. DRINK!

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:

-Shooting but NOT killing civilians

Day 9: 1:00pm - 3:00pm ::boop beep boop beep::

Get ready to intercept some intel. You never know when you will find yourself faced with intel that needs...intercepting.  

An early Jack 'damnit' when our heroes realize there's no CCTVs at the back of the pub where dead guy got a screwdriver in the ear and where the Russian hooker surprised NO ONE by being an assassin. Start this off right and DRINK!

As much as we all respect the valiant efforts of Jack and his team of good guys, he really is doing nothing to improve the reputation of Americans abroad with his train platform violent outbursts. I should probably head over to London to try to salvage the reputation of the entire American public.

So now we know why Chloe went all Dragon Tattoo. She's being awfully supportive of Jack knowing that her hubs and son were killed for what she knows about his disappearance.

Can I start calling Russian hooker/Assassin girl Bloody Face? There could be some real magic in a 24/American Horror Story crossover event.

Boudreau is still keeping Jack a secret from not-catatonic Audrey? He's trying to be President, right? He's a sneaky Audrey svengali. Did I like her before? I can't remember. I'm now feeling like she's easily manipulated, which makes me not like her. And Tate Donovan-Boudreau can get hanged for forging the president's signature, right? For treason or something, right? Oh wait--he's already beating the drum that Heller's gone squishy in the head, so I'm sure he'll say that President Forgets-a-lot just forgot...a lot.

Pause: Man, how about Solange beating up Jay-Z in the elevator?? Have you seen that video? I want to know what that shit was about! I bet she said 'Damn' a few times, so take a few sips for that, too.

Dude. Mama Margot is is one cold-hearted bitch. The red wedding really changed her.

Anyone else forgetting that they're in London and only realizing it when car scenes show the steering wheel on the wrong side? Just me? It's totally throwing me off. London cars be crazy.

Oooooh. Cross is double-crossing Jack. That means he's going to be on the business end of Chloe's stinkiest stink-eye very shortly. Chills the soul. Prediction: Naveen doesn't live through the day.

Dude. Mama Margot is not only cold-hearted, but she's crazy in the batshit way. I know they've been leading us to that, but that is some creepy business going on right there.

HOLY SHIT!!!!  Jack? your civilian assault numbers are through the roof! Do we need a new drinking category this season? For a man who wants to protect the people, you sure do maim a lot of people. Aww. I can't stay mad at you. Good thing I have a week to process before we do this all over again.

Damnits:

-First scene in the pub and Jack drops a big 'damnit' in the pub bathroom. Dropping the Damnits off at the pool.

-"Three years ago. That means Heller authorized the attack. Damnit." Jack damnit but a whispered, so just take a sip.

There's no/we don't have time:

None? Apparently, we have all the time in the world. Did you catch any?

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:

-Throat-punching civilians who try to act chivalrous in the subway. Pardon--the Underground.

-Convincing heads of hacking rings to do what he wants...by saying Please.

2014 Begins! 11:00am - 1:00pm ::boop beep boop beep::

 Are you dying? I'm dying.
Jack is BACK! It's been too long, old friend. I probably should have gone back to watch at least the end of the last season to figure out where we last left our boy Jack, but...eh. I choose not to dwell in the past. I do, however, look forward to a lot of audible whispers, swear-word stand-ins that are suitable for Primetime network TV, and of course, Chloe looking constipated. It's gonna be awesome.

It has been a while, so remember - DRINK for every 'damnit', reminder of lack of time and whenever Jack reminds you that he is the smoothest cat on the block.

11:00am - 12:00pm 

Benjamin Bratt??? The chick from Chuck? Jack Bauer is in Londontown? Threats against the President? Right back into it. Cheerio!

Heller is the Prez, but seems to be slipping in the brains. The mere mention of Jack's name sends everyone into a tailspin--as well it should. 

So far, we know Kate's getting the boot because she got all double-agented by her husband. Trust issues? Check. Smartest one in the room? Check. Prediction: She's gonna be besties with Jack.

But first--gotta catch us up that Chloe's gone goth and is already getting the 'enhanced interrogation' that is being promised to Jack in Special Activities. Since he made special effort to get himself caught, it's all part of a Chloe rescue attempt, right? Right. Time to get the band back together.

Boudreau is doing his darndest to keep Audrey and Heller in the dark about Jack, which means that they're definitely going to find out about Jack in a hot minute.

Give it up for the new kids this season. Navarro drops a Damnit and Kate is already breaking protocols on her way out the door.

I wonder if Jack and Chloe go to the same tattoo artist.

So, Chloe's gone not only goth, but all Wikileaks on the US. Can't wait to hear why.

Side-note: where can I get one of those collapsible ladders used in the Jack/Chloe extraction? It would be a great space-saver for this apt dweller. 

It may not be CTU, but I appreciate the consistency that 24 has of blowing up government buildings, usurping of authority and lack of personnel screening on the part of government agencies. "We're really going to miss you around here. Sorry you were so dumb that you married a traitor. You were the best field agent in the business. You're fired--get out. Come back--we're giving you the highest clearance and putting you in charge of the whole operation."  For real--that happened within ONE HOUR.

12:00pm - 1:00pm 

Chloe's giving me some real Skrillex vibes. Adrian Cross is Julian Assange, so does that make Chloe a lady Snowden? And Catelyn Stark is a bad guy?

Are they using Blackberries? Are they picking this up back in 2010? Poor Drone-kid. He needs Chloe to clear his name as only Chloe can.

Heroine dealer's tech support < Jack Bauer's tech support

And Simone is a Russian baddie, right? There's no hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold going on there.

Kate is going to learn that joining Team Bauer is the way to go. She's almost there. So close. Perhaps the patented Jack Bauer head butt will convince her.

BAH! Called it with the Russian chick.  But lets not pretend that Yates wouldn't notice a barely-held-on wig. Come on, 24. You're better than that.

Ahhhh. Welcome back, friends. It's gonna be a good season.

Damnits:

-1st one of the season and it's not even Jack! Navarro comes out strong in the first hour of the season.

-Audrey with a weak "Damnit, Mark" whilst prepping her Pops to potentially address Parliament.
 -YES. Solid classic Jack damnit right at the end when he and Chloe are in the car. It's like he said it just for me. Drink twice for nostalgia!

There's no/we don't have time:
"We need to move fast." - when Jack is telling Chloe to get to a safe place. Can we count it? It doesn't go the full distance, but I decided it stays. I'm making the rules here.


Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:

-Outrunning gunfire and taking out whole tactical teams. Duh.

-Hiding and triggering a tracking device IN HIS OWN SKIN.

-"You probably think I'm at a disadvantage. I promise you I'm not." And then proceeds to demonstrate. So smooth...and very murder-y.

-Getting shot - but just grazed.