Day 8 4:00am - 5:00am ::boop beep boop beep::

In the last hour, CTU got all blowed up. Flyin' blind, bitches! They're gonna have to do this the old fashioned way. You know who knows how to do things the old fashioned way? Jack Bauer.

That Tarin dude is sooool conflicted. Does he love Kayla? Does he not give 2 shits? I think it's mostly that he sent his hot piece to get blown up.

"That's weird. I've got 4 bars, but the call's not going through." Well, Ortiz Prinze, Jr, you must have AT&T. You can have all the bars in the world, but the damn call is not going to go through. Yeah, I through out a damn. Drink for that, too.

So, the 2 big baddies crossed the river in a pontoon. Did no one think to just shoot it and deflate the thing? No? Just me? Again? That's cool.

I think Chloe should be the next head of CTU. She's pure magic in a nerdy, stink-eyed, bitchery-throwing analyst body. And most importantly, it's all about Jack which, of course, you and I and Chloe know, but the rest of the world must learn the hard way.

I've tried real hard. I wanted to make it work. She almost had me with Russian mob rapist dude's abuse and subsequent stabbery, but I JUST CANNOT get on board with Pruney. I want crazy-in-the-brain Audrey Raines back. She was catatonic and better than Pruney Von Cryptkeeper. I just can't.

Wow the EMP was the best thing to ever happen to Dana/Jenny. So.....can she stop making that face now?

This season's Fetus Agent is living up to his fetus agent legacy. And he's also inexplicably lapsing into a Scottish accent? Please explain.
Also, we were THIS CLOSE to a "pinned down." It could have been magical. Coulda.

Pause for PS3 commercial. I love the dude in those commercials. He gets me every time with the 2K commercial with Joe Mauer that I see a squillion times a day: "I'm not even ALLOWED in Mexico." Good job, PS3 guy.

Man, Dana/Jenny is the worst. Chloe has been covering her tranny ass all day and she throws Super Chloe to the wolves?? It's just rude. And then the probation officer goes to her boss? That's some insta-karma shit right there.

Chloe! Are you grounded? Put on some rubber gloves and doc marten's woman! We've been told that this is some dangerous magnetic shit, so shouldn't Bubba Hastings have politely suggested that she put on some rubber gloves or something?

I loathe that Pruney may have helped save the day. I maintain that she will be a liability in no time.

Tranny Dana/Jenny is the worst ever, but I REFUSE to believe that any Probation officer would be so dogged that he would pursue a 2-bit con in the face of a national terror crisis in New York City. Don't insult us. It's beneath you.

DANA/JENNY is a terrorist??? Surprisingly, I did NOT see that coming. I knew she was a dude and all (dude looks like a lady kind of dude), but I thought her stupid hillbilly story was going to end with her ousting from CTU. Possibly Jail. This is some Nina Myers fuckery!!

Fetus agent is dead. Did you think he would live through the day. Yeah, me neither.
Damnits:
-"We're being jammed. They're here, damnit." Jack damnit. Drink up, mofos.
-Arlo: casualty reports...stuff....blah blah blah. Hastings: "Damnit." Imbibe.
-"I hope you're here to help 'cause we can damn well use it." NSA dude. I'm counting it because I like to hit the sauce and I know you do too.
-"You're damn right." Hastings. count. it.

There's no/we don't have times:
-I don't even know. I'm sure there were variations, but I can't process them.

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
--Building impenetrable armor out of panels of something.

Day 8 3:00am - 4:00am ::boop beep boop beep::

I don't like the softer side of Chloe. She shouldn't be acting all kindly toward Dana/Jenny. I'm not down with the solidarity.

I'm actually good with the hotel scene, believe it or not. As soon as they left the hotel and can access all the city's traffic cams and reroute satellites at a moment's notice, is when I start having problems.

Methinks they're going to make Hassan transport the rods personally or something.

Dana/Jenny is in for it now. The jig is up! Her first mistake: asking Chloe to cover for her....again. Chloe is done with being nice to Dana/Jenny.
She is a terrible liar also.

I think Tarin and Kayla are totally breaking up.
"All due respect, madam. You brought this threat to my country. We're doing the best we can." I love when Jack Bauer gets all patriotic and shit.

Uh....Dana. How did Arlo know that cop dude (who totally got his guts exploded all over on True Blood) was here for Dana/Jenny. I'm starting to like inexplicable Arlo.
Dana/Jenny is an ugly crier. Most people are ugly criers, so she's in good company, but she looks especially like a post-op tranny when she cries.

OK, so maybe they're not breaking up, but one of them is going to end up dead. SURVEY SAYS......Tarin! Tarin ends up dead. So there's that.

HAHAHAHAHA. They immediately shoot out the glass door. Priceless. I feel like that's really just a good excuse to shoot your gun. With all the activity in the building, the door was probably unlocked. hilarious.

OH SNAP!!! They're gonna blow up Kayla at CTU!

Everything blowed up. Setup for next week.

Damnits:
-I don't know. Were there any? There's so many hours left. I'm confident that there will be more. Fear not.

There's no/we don't have times:
-"Sir, they gave you 15 minutes. If you want to see your daughter again, you have to tell us what this is." Close enough. Drink.

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Knowing when the target is impersonating an officer.

Day 8 2:00am - 3:00am ::boop beep boop beep::

Countdown to Bomb-kid's detonation. Reference to Wayne Palmer's administration. Not David Palmer of course, who was the best American President ever.

Lookie Lookie. Dana/Jenny and Cole Ortiz Prinze, Jr are back in action. They suck at being subtle.
HOORAY!!!! Dana/Jenny had to report to Chloe! Our girl is working her way back up the latter damn fast and I approve. I should add a count for how many times Chloe gives the stink-eye in each episode. She can throw attitude with the best of them and it is positively magnificent.

Arlo is a nosey mofo. And all of a sudden Dana/Jenny is all warm and fuzzy to him, clearly not recognizing the MASSIVE threat he is to outing them as murderers. Duh. I thought these CTU computer nerds were supposed to be super-geniuses or something. But they're all mental cases. BACKGROUND CHECKS!!!!!!!

Bomb-kid is weird looking. I'm just saying.

Uh oh. Hassan's daughter is a big ol' Ho and may be cruisin' for an honor killing. They do that, right? And by they I mean ambiguous, fictional Arab countries. Obviously. Whatever, she's obviously duped by her obviously bad-guy boyfriend.

For someone who has created a whole new identity for herself and gotten access to classified government secrets, Dana/Jenny loses her cool super easily. And for a big, fat liar, she sucks at lying. She's pretty much the worst con artist ever.

What in holy hell is wrong with bomb-kid?? He is talking like he's on shrooms or something. I don't remember him taking any shrooms. Bomb-kid is having one hell of a bad trip now that he's got Jack Bauer yelling in his face.

Tarin is the bad guy, huh? Wow. Didn't see THAT coming. Duh.

HURT LOCKER MOMENT!!!!!! HOLLA ATCHA, OSCAR WINNER! Jack got blowed up....again. Now he's going to have to spend the rest of the day with Marcos Bomb-kid bits all over him. Eew.

Even the Hassan's know who Jack Bauer is and will take his calls directly! Jack Bauer is friend to all heads of state.

I'm over the Dana/Jenny story. I've been over it for HOURS. I thought it had potential, but now I'm just annoyed.

Apparently, next week's episode is the HOUR WE CAN'T MISS. I hope I don't miss it. :-P

Damnits:
-"Damnit. Chloe, I've got 4 lights on!" Jack. FINALLY.
-"Damnit, Marcos! Give me a name!!" more Jack. Drink double!

There's no/we don't have times:
-"We don't know how much time we have before your son can activate the explosives. We have to go." -Ortiz to bomb-kid's mom. I'm widening the net on this one.

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Being a specialist that they "brought in for the day"
-Knowing the circuit pattern of bomb-kid's vest so that he can single-handedly disarm it.

Day 8 1:00am - 2:00am ::boop beep boop beep::

Soulpatch Schwartzman is hiding from the baddies and little Kayla Hassan is getting all defiant-like. Renee's on the chopping block which then means (just when he thinks he's out) Jack is back in. Freddie Prinze Ortiz went Rambo with a sawed-off to save Dana/Jenny (I'm not sure why).

Now that you're all caught up....

Oh my. There's trouble in paradise with Ortiz & Dana/Jenny. Is he calling her by her real name yet? I can't even remember which one is her real name. Jenny, right?

Soulpatch is such a weenie. That is all.

Now, of course, Hassan's darling daughter Kayla's shady-ass boyfriend is going to turn out to be the ringleader of them all. Obviously.

It would have been PHENOMENAL if they showed Hassan all frustrated that he couldn't get a hold of his dudes and then his lackey said,
"Well, Nabeel has an iPhone and you KNOW how shitty that service in Manhattan." Because...you know....it is.

Of course Soulpatch is turned into swiss cheese seconds before the cavalry arrives. Of course.

Dude. If the bomb went off, it would render that area inhabitable for 40 years??? That's a long time to have some prime real estate off the market.

Soupatch did NOT live through the day. yep. I called it.

This is precious. The couple that disposes of dead bodies together stays together.

Ernie Anastos!!!!! I love that Ernie Anastos is playing such a key role on 24 as the trusted and respectable newsman. "Keep fucking that chicken!"

Hassan's hair is magnificent. He clearly wants to be a MILLIONAIRE! You can tell by his hair.

Pruney still looks like the Crypt Keeper but she also looks increasingly like a Tim Burton character. She is also not likely to live through the day. I don't see a happy ending for Pruney.

Newbie agent is so dead. He's a nervous Nellie. Hopefully, Chloe can disarm the device and save his booty. Chloe will disarm the bomb and then Newbie will punch bomb-kid in the face and look like the hero. Fun.

Or not. Newbie is the worst at this. Bomb kid is gonna jump otu the ........yeah, i called it.

I.....what?.....what's going on? This kid is going to detonate the bomb in a pressure chamber? Will that keep the blast contained or make it even more explodey? I don't know this science stuff. They'll probably de-pressurize him or something.


Damnits:
-where are all the damnits? Am I missing them?

There's no/we don't have times:
-"There's no time for that. There's a CTU team moving on Farhad as we speak." very Presidential. PS--She then threatened to attack Hassan's country if he didn't hand over his spy files. DRANK!!!

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Running a team. I mean, really. Were they going to let that Newbie Agent run a team? Ridiculous.

Day 8 12:00am - 1:00am ::boop beep boop beep::

Setting aside my Olympic fever for some 24 time. I've been crazy into the Olympics, so I'm hoping that 24 makes my Olympic hiatus worth my while.

Family betrayal is the name of the game this season. Russian mob son and Soulpatch Schwartzman are in cahoots now. And, now Russian mob Pops is in the same store room where he shot his own kid. Jinkies!

and now, SNIPERS! Soulpatch can't be trusted. Shocking, but still needs to be said.

Power struggles are fun. They always resort in scapegoating, which is good times for all. Pruney's gonna get the book thrown at her even though she was totally justified in the killing of rapist-dude. He was seriously hatable, so I applaud her.

Dana/Jenny is nothing but trouble. She's quite the distraction to all of these CTU dudes. Ortiz should go back to his wife, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. And Arlo should just admit that he's in love with Chloe and then we could have a Morris/Chloe/Arlo love triangle.

So, Soulpatch Schwartzman is a pawn in the nefarious plot of more evil dudes. Duh. Did you not see that coming? He's too little and frail and way too into his pageboy haircut. PS--He's totally not going to live through the day.

Oh dear. Pruney is going to snap. Jack is probably going to come in any moment and save the day. Look at that. Here he is. Jack knows what "Justice Dept" means. And he's judo-chopping everyone! It would have been really cool if Jack had said, "Don't tase me, bro." It would have provided some much-needed comic relief. Of course, I want to hear that every time someone gets tased, so I guess I'm easy like that.

Here we go. Dana/Jenny's not-so-interesting backstory. This hubbub with her and Ortiz totally blew her cover when his giant SUV came screaming over the hill. So, the dude who went to take a leak in the woods is going to get the jump on them.

They put Jack in charge of the team in 3....2.......

Backstabbing and Frontstabbing and shootouts, OH MY!
I hope Ortiz is looking at Dana/Jenny saying, "Yeah, you're totally not worth all this. Later, homes."

BARF. Jack can't end up with Pruney. It's not ok. BAAAAAAARF. I'm going to be barfing all over the place next week according to the previews. Until then, I'll soothe my gag reflex by going back to the Olympic splendor. Although, if my Wii is any indication, I could rock the gold in ski jumping. I rule. U-S-A! U-S-A!!!!

Damnits:
-Um, I think none? I'm really sober, so I think none.

There's no/we don't have times:
-Also none? Again, very sober.

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Judo-chopping everyone.
-Saving Pruney. Over and over and over and over........

Day 8 11:00pm - 12:00am ::boop beep boop beep::

Jack's lost. And of course, it's at the top of the hour. Someone should have been paying closer attention.

Dana/Jenny is really bad at getting rid of degenerate ex-boyfriends. "Put my key in my mailbox and leave me alone." WHAAAAA? I'm pretty sure you're supposed to just call the locksmith and get the locks changed. Duh.

Chloe is my favorite. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Chloe is my favorite. She's got the best stink-eye in the business and is lightening quick with the backhanded compliments/friendship moves. She saves Dana/Jenny and then smacks her down. It's magical. Full of magic. And wonder.

Wait--what are they going to do to Jack? Was that Russian? English? I mean, I get that it's going to be torture and unpleasant and whatnot, but sometimes, I'm terrible at interpreting the Russian accent.

Where is Soulpatch Schwartzman, anyway? Is he still with the Russian hookers? We will soon find out, I see.

How and where do the Russian torturers get all their torture wares? Do mob guys have lots of industrial batteries laying around with which they can torture people? How do they have the storage space? I've always struggled to figure out where the Christmas decorations go for 11 months of the year. Impressive.

Ah, Soulpatch Schwartzman. I've anticipated the return of his flowing locks. He's going to tear out those flowing locks when he finds out that the uranium delivery is on hold. OOOHHHH. Unless Russian mob kid got all gangsta on Soulpatch! He could have used a good pistol-whipping to shut him up though. Russian mob kid earned some serious Russian mob brownie points (Commie points?) with that move. He could have really gotten a bump if there was some pistol-whipping involved.

Poor Pruney has come unhinged for realz. She looks like she's about to go catatonic any second. And I'm 97% sure she's not going to live through the day. Girl should be on suicide watch 24/7. She's losing her marbles.

Here comes the big Dana/Jenny reveal! Unless she chickens out. I don't expect her to say, "my name isn't Dana. It's Jenny and I'm a redneck ex-con." Look at me! I'm a 24 genius!

Jack torture scenes always end with Jack torturing the torturer back. But he gets creative with is, which I appreciate.

Is this when Hassan's daughter admits her affair with the aide. Yep, there it is. Now, does that mean there's going to be one of those twisted mercy killings? Damn dude! Hassan just dismissed his daughter's boyf as a ploy to get close to him for murder purposes. Actually, he said what we were all thinking. He wants to be a MILLIONAIRE!!!

Jack blows the power to get a cell phone to the russian mob location. He's running around John McClane style. Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!
Now Jack gets to speak to him alone and throw some torture back his way, right? Right? Oh, snap. Psychological torture in the form of offering leniency to Russian mob dude's dead son. Ouchie.

Oh, Arlo. Such a busybody. Now, noble Cole feels all icky and insecure about his girlfriend with the fake name. Re-routing government resources to spy on your tranny-looking lady is ill-advised. I shouldn't have to tell you that.

We're getting close to the top of the hour. Something's going to happen. I just know it! (heehee) I hope all the CTU peeps know it. They should all be making sure they are on their guard.

Dear CTU,
I can't stress enough the importance of background checks. Thanks.

Shocking. The uranium got burgled. Who do you think it was? Soulpatch? Russian mob kid? I bet Russian mob kid. He's put on a good show for his pops.
Russian mob kid's gone rogue. WITH Soulpatch. So much double crossing. Good times.


Damnits:
-Jack brand whisper "damnit." when the torturer's cell phone doesn't work. Bottoms up!


There's no/we don't have times:
-close, but no cigar.

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Espionage. Real or fake. "You've never heard of me because I'm good at what I do." Smooth.
-Electrocuting torturers with his feet.

Day 8 10:00pm - 11:00pm ::boop beep boop beep::

I know Dana/Jenny makes all the little fanboys tingle from her Battlestar Galactica days, but I get a very post-op tranny vibe from her. I know that's blasphemy to a lot of nerds out there, but I can't be the only one that thinks that. Right??

Uh oh. The dumb hicks are getting greedy. You know what that means! ......trouble...or something....I'm not sure.

We're going to have to change Pruney's name to Stabby if that Vladimir dude doesn't stop with his Sleeping With The Ememy routine. She's definitely going to remove his bits and pieces before the day is out.

Damn, dude. These Russians are a twisted bunch. "I want to leave you and your family a wealthy inheritance." What he REALLY said, "now that your brother is out of the way, you get twice as much! So, you know--congratulations!"

Hassan is taking a page out of Jack's playbook and I applaud the return of random acts of torture back to 24. Although, I suppose Pruney Renee did then when she chopped off the floor-sweep's thumb. Hassan is carrying on the random acts of torture and I thank him for taking it old school for the people.

Can we wrap up this Dana/Jenny fuckery now? Where are we going with this? Not that 24 hasn't always been about random plot lines and acts of violence, but I certainly would like them to move this one along. It's putting so much focus on Dana/Jenny and not enough on Chloe's stink-eye.

Pause for Fox News plug.

Pause for Snap-On product placement.

Hahahahahahahaha. "Just because I like your face doesn't mean I have to put up with your crap!" Anyone care to take bets on how many people I say that to tomorrow? Over under?

OH SNAP! What did I tell you about stabby Renee???!!! She's even got Jack in on the stabbing. You know.....after she stabbed him. But of course, he doesn't need much encouragement. Think he'll tell her it's "just a flesh wound"and keep going? There are still a LOT of hours in the day. I really should research how many times Jack has been shot, stabbed burned, etc on this series. I'm certain that information already exists somewhere.

WHAT? "Bring Laitanan's body back for autopsy. I want to know what happened." What do you mean?? Renee stabbed the ever-loving shit out of him. You need a full workup to figure that out? Time-waster.

Now jack is signing up for torture? WTF? That just seems silly. After today, I feel strongly that Jack should look into therapy or some sort of support group for masochists.

It's also nice to see that 24 is still sticking to stereotypes with Hillbilly #1 and Hillbilly #2 drinking grain alcohol out of a paper bag while driving. Good one.

So, next week, we can look forward to Pruney getting blamed for killing her rapist. I think we all know I'm not a Renee fan, but stabbing the shit out of your rapist/abuser gets you a high five and not a reprimand, in my book. So there.
Also next week, Dana/Jenny comes clean to Freddy Prinze about her hillbilly past. Maybe we can move that plot line along a bit.
Bottoms up!

Damnits:
-"Damnit! It's locked!" Kevin (a.k.a Hillbilly #1)
-"Damnit, they really must have been moving. CTU's here already." Jack-style. DRINK, mofos.

There's no/we don't have times:
-"We're running out of time." Vladimir, the Russian mob rapist

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Strategic removal and replacement of disguise glasses.
-Shooting baddies through walls.