10:00pm - 11:00pm ::boop beep boop beep::

Cheng is back to the torture and killing. He's starting WW III and is coming for Jack. Boudreau survived the raid on the Russian embassy. Audrey is sitting at gunpoint and barely holding her shit together. Bets as to whether she'll end up catatonic again?

Ooooohhhhh, Boudreau finally states the obvious, but Jack can't handle the truth. There's no room for love in the life of a renegade outlaw. Just ask Lorenzo Lamas.

Chloe with the Dragon Tattoo is all kinds of banged up but lives to spy another day. Looks like, once again, we're getting the band back together. Anyone else love how the couple that stops for Chloe, then just leaves her on the side of the road, accepting that she's just fine even though she looks like she's gotten the shit kicked out of her? Stoic, those Brits.

"He's got Audrey pinned down by a sniper." Audrey's pinned down! DRINK!! 

Kate's a clever little minx, isn't she? I swear, if she turns out to be a Nina, I'm gonna be so pissed. Lets just hope there isn't a backup sniper somewhere.

Ok, so Chloe 'taps into a satellite' to resolve her infrared issues? But it's raining! My damn DirecTV dish goes to shit when it rains. I call bullshit. Looks less like infrafed and more like Chloe is playing The Simms: Russian War Ship.

Ritter has zero control of the CIA. ZERO.

Oh, man. The Jersey Boy is going to have to break it to Heller that Audrey didn't make it after all. Kate got to break the news to Jack. Will he fall apart, or will he go Rambo and kill EVERYONE? Go Rambo, Jack! GO RAMBO!

Aaaaaand there it is. Guns? Butcher knives? He doesn't give a fuck. Jack Bauer has no fucks to give.

Imminent war is thwarted? Now, he'll samurai Cheng's head off.  
"Cheng is alive and in our custody." Sort of. Pieces of him are in US custody.

Well, now who the damn hell has Chloe? The Russians? WTF?! She's always getting stolen or something. Good god, Chloe. You've been doing this spy stuff for a million years. BE MORE BADASS!

Um....anyone else find it pretty messed up that they had Audrey declared dead and in a coffin ready to board Air Force One within 15 minutes? Because that's what 24 would have us believe. 
Dude--and Heller's face when he's talking about her? Creepy shit.

Jack and his sidekick Belcheck are still standing at the end of the day. And so is Chloe against all possible odds. Kate walks away from the job.

And once again, Jack is in the hands of the Russians. Setup for the next day? We can only hope.


Damnits:
None?? None for the last hour? Let's pretend there were 4. Bottoms up!

There's no/we don't have times:
We actually *didn't* have time left and still no one referenced it? Hmmm. I'm just gonna drink anyway.

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Finding secret cell phones in drawers with a false bottom.
-Synchronized guard-take-out shots with his spy buddy.


Thanks for playing another day, folks! Let's do it again sometime. 

9:00pm - 10:00pm ::boop beep boop beep::

All of Jack's old buddies came back to play last hour. The Russians are up Jack's ass and Cheng is starting wars. Boudreau is unravelling in front of our eyes, and Audrey is getting tougher, which means that she's going to lose her shit when she hears about Cheng.

I didn't get anything in the gunfire banter between Jack and Kate. I'm waiting for them to say they're 'pinned down' too. We haven't heard that in quite some time.

And now that Cheng knows that Jack is in the area, we can expect a face to face sometime real soon.

If I had to be the actor that plays the agent that rescues Jack and Kate from the Russians, I'd be PUMPED that my only line was, "Let's lock it down." Totally worth it.

Audrey finds out about Cheng. Let the shit-losing commence.

"We were pinned down. We didn't get a visual." YES YES YES AND YES! Finish your drink. Jack confirmed what we all knew. They were pinned down! There's joy in my heart.

The jig is up. Jack knows that Boudreau sold him out to the Russians. Buh bye Boudreau.

Cheng is working with the Russians! Dios mio. Worlds collide. I blame Putin for this.

I don't know the aid's name that keeps getting people on the phone for the Prez, but he's giving me some straight up Jersey. The hair. The accent. He's my people. Fun facts: Just looked him up. His character is Ron Clark (have we ever even heard him called by name?) and the actor was once engaged to Jennifer Love Hewitt. Is there anyone that *hasn't* been engaged to Jennifer Love Hewitt? Moving on....

Audible whispers all around. Sweet nothings between Jack and Audrey. whisper whisper...Kill Cheng...whisper whisper...I don't hate you. I looooooove you. Please note: Jack did NOT out Boudreau to Audrey and tell her that her hubs is a scumbag.

Jack turns up to publicly confront Boudreau who is understandably shaking in his boots. Oooh that dude can backpedal like crazy. Too bad he doesn't have a leg to stand on. Treason! There's the word I've been waiting for.

I knew it! All those politicians wearing flag pins are gathering intelligence for Jack Bauer! Sneaky bastards.

Wait--Chloe fought her way out of a box truck with a pipe? Taking out multiple armed trained bad guy thugs? Huh. I don't think so, but whatever.

Def Con 3! Def Con 3?!  (I don't know what that means, but it sounds serious.)

Still can't get enough of the Russian dude's comical goatee. It's pure magic.

Jack and Kate storm the castle while Boudreau wrestles a bear with a spectacular goatee. But the bear neck-stabbed himself with a piece of glass or something, so it wasn't much of a wrestling match and now he's dead. 

Saw that coming. Audrey's contact got shot dead moments after agreeing to help her. Cheng agreed to ditch Chloe because he's going after Audrey, obviously. 

There it is. Audrey is about to become Jack bait. Cheng is a nasty piece of work. Next hour should be fun.


Damnits:
-Ritter's first Damnit! Good for him. Welcome to the club. And it's good for you--DRINK!
-Great big Presidential Damnit when he drops his brain pills.

There's no/we don't have time(s):
-"I'm working as fast as I can." Gavin trying to jam the Russian security signal. It's a reach, but I just want you to drink.

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Shooting so hard, some dude catches on FIRE.
-Knowing all sorts of covert intelligence operatives under cover as Foreign Ministers, you idiot! ...and stuff.

8:00pm - 9:00pm ::boop beep boop beep::

So, the Family Crazy is all toast. Navarro is escaping with the drone-controly device, Chloe is running off with Cross and we don't know what the bejeebus is going on with Kate.

Chloe with the Dragon Tattoo isn't quite the anarchist she fancies herself now that she's realizing that Cross is a evil-doer. Turns out that letting all the world's armies control each other's weaponry.

Well now, don't shoot at the kegs! That's just a waste of good beer. We'll need that for the drinking game.

Chase, chase, chase......

And then of course, Navarro gets hung out to dry. Moral of the story--never trust the faceless name over the phone that says he's going to help you escape Jack Bauer. NO ONE CAN ESCAPE JACK BAUER.

Chase, chase, chase.......

Chloe is going to foil this plan, right? Right.

Ritter is taking over the CIA (I can never remember his name. He's gonna have to step it up to be memorable, or warrant awarding him a nickname.)

Kate's husband is exonerated! Punch him in the face! Punch him in the face! Wow. Navarro is a bigger scumbag than I thought. YES! Enhanced interrogation. It's my favorite. And of course, Jack's version is even better.

More usurping of authority. Who runs this bitch? Jack. Bauer. And don't you forget it.

Oh, Ritter. You silly goose. You'll never get anywhere without allowing a little light torture to catch the bad guys.

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. I love how Boudreau and Audrey act like they've been feuding for months and there's 'distance' between them now that Jack is back in the picture. Let's all take a minute to realize that she found out about Jack A FEW HOURS AGO. Well, that escalated quickly. And the outcome for Boudreau? Treason. Smart.

Chloe is getting a conscience. You can see it happening. But she sucks at escaping. She's the worst badass ever. 

Kate, on the other hand. She's earning her badass status over and over again. She's been taking notes from Jack. I'm so proud.

Boudreau, you dumb bastard. In his quest to rid himself of Jack, he's sold him out to the Russians and they're going to ruin everything. Good work, dummy.

Whaaaaaaa? Who killed everyone? Oh shit. Cheng. Once they capture him, they should give him to Audrey to dispose of.

Boudreau is getting increasingly dumber as the day goes on.

Oh, lordy. Adrian Cross has been manipulating Chloe all along. She went all Dragon Tattoo for nothing! And she dated a bad guy as a result. 

Cue the Russians. Boudreau is a dumb fuck.

Cue WWIII. Cheng is a dick.


Damnits:
None? An hour like this, I feel like we should have had a few peppered in. What did you hear?

There's no/we don't have any times(s):
-"We need to move immediately. We don't know how long Adrian Cross is gonna stay put." Jack to Ritter


Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-ENHANCED enhanced interrogation. And not needing biometrics.

7:00pm - 8:00pm ::boop beep boop beep::

So, President Heller sacrificed himself (and Wembley Stadium) to have the drones destroyed. $10 says that Margot Crazytown's son doesn't let Mommy Dearest keep her word.
Is Baby Boy going to keep one last drone in his pocket?

Creepy, this family.

THE VIDEO WAS LOOPED! THE VIDEO WAS LOOPED!  Did Jack Bauer watch Speed recently? Gets 'em every time. Keanu would approve.

Jack is a stone cold pimp. He kind of just kidnapped the President.

Oh, snap. Boudreau was ready to sacrifice Audrey's pops, but Jack pulled a fast one and kept him alive. 2 birds with one stone--turn Audrey against her husband and be her hero all in one. So smooth.

Chloe with the Dragon Tattoo is still doing her business in a pub. Because that's what REBELS do. But trusting Adrian Cross seems like a bad business. 

Kate has a partner with Erik Ritter (had to look up his name), now. Does he play for the good guys or the bad guys, though? He was Navarro's boy to begin with, and now we know Navarro's taken a little detour to Shadyville. 

These Al-Harazis are a fucked up family. There is nothing fun about their disfunction. Mommy Dearest pulls a gun on Baby Boy one second, prepared to shoot, but then is horrified when Jack chucks him out the window.

Good thing she didn't have long to grieve....
She *did* say they would die together.

There's more hours in this day. The Mommy Dearest threat is over, so I guess that means we have another fun one to sniff out. Navarro? Kate's spy-husband past comes back to bite her? 

Poor Jordan is found. Navarro is getting scurrred since he didn't expect for TWO bodies to be discovered. I guess he's realizing his cleaner isn't so clean.

Hahahahahahah.  Cross's distorted phone voice is barely any different from his normal villian-sounding voice.

Navarro just watched Jack save the President, avert a drone strike and kill 2 terrorists within 20mis. Now that Jack is on the case of the mystery assassin, Navarro is shaking in his loafers. He knows it's only a matter of time until his goose is cooked.

I was really hoping Jack's Langley contact would be someone from our past. We need more nostalgia for previous imminent threats.

I will never stop saying it. Why do these US agencies HATE BACKGROUND CHECKS??!? So much turn-coatery.

Its a good thing Jack refuses to be 'locked down.'

Kudos to the steadicam ops on this show. They earn every penny, in my opinion.


Damnits: 
-Nothing? Did I miss one?

There's no/we don't have times:
-Dont think I got one of these either. Not a heavy drinking night, I guess. 

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Giving orders to the Commander in Chief.  "Mr. President, please. Get in the car and let me do what I know how to do." 
-Marriage sabotage. Prediction: Mr. and Mrs. Boudreau aren't going to last through the day.
-Repelling. Obviously.

6:00pm - 7:00pm ::boop beep boop beep::

USA wins their first match of the World Cup, beating Ghana 2-1. USA! USA!! Now that you're sufficiently patriotic, keep the ball rolling with Jack as he saves the whole world.

The battle for Simone's soul continues. Heller threw up the white flag (maybe). Navarro is in cahoots with a mystery team. Boudreau is being a creep and Navarro is on the take. There. you're caught up.

Hmmm. Methinks Sonny Dearest is going to out-crazy his Crazytown mama Margot. Kid played one too many video games and I think he wants to just blow stuff up.

Apparently, Agent Whatshisname is Jordan Reed (I had to look it up). He's leaving a blood trail but no wet footprints. He's a ghost!!! 

Jack tells Heller that he won't be a part of his surrender because "there's still time." What? Jack, no!  There's NO time. Remember?

I take back all of the things I said about Heller last hour. He is definitely losing it. Boudreau can't be trusted and he's giving real creepface.

"Wake the bitch."  hahahahhahahahaha. Jack throwing some real shade at Simone. At least she gave up some goods prior to pretty much immediately dying.

Sentimental stuff.

Oh, Jordan Reed. You better be pulling a fakeout maneuver to confirm that Navarro is trying to kill you.  Otherwise, you suck at being a field agent. That was some frantic phone call nonsense.

Presidents get a locator chip in their arms? Like how you tag your family pet? Huh.

Ok, Jordan Reed.  You're slightly less sniveling than I thought. But only slightly. You're still a moron that got stabbed. Better stay alive long enough to warn Kate that, once again, she's a terrible judge of character and that she should take out Navarro. Good luck on that.

Sonny Dearest (Ian) is such a mini me of his mom. Prediction: Heller gets killed. Margot Crazytown attempts to destroy the drones. Ian Crazytown learned from his mama and takes her out becoming the new Big Bad.

WTF is Chloe doing at a bar? That doesn't seem like an ideal hacking environment. Wasn't there a Starbucks or a Barnes & Noble near by? It's early evening, for goodness sake! Shit. She probably needed a pint. That's fair.

AHahahahahaha. Boudreau gets to drop the bomb to Audrey that Jack is with Heller. Well, he doesn't say it, but there ya go.

Wow, 24. The terrorists won? Cold blooded. Even for you.


Damnits:
-"Damnit, I told you you need to push the doctor." Jack to Kate about reviving/killing Simone.


There's no/we don't have times:
-"Hurry. We don't have much time." Sonny Dearest loading the van.
-Chloe: "I need more time."  Jack: "How much time?"  Heller: "We're out of time." Oh my god, drink so many things. Drink all of what you have.


Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Not punching Boudreau in the face. He's so punchable!
-Surgery

5:00pm - 6:00pm ::boop beep boop beep::

Drinking game is in full effect for this one, folks. 24 did us proud and rocked the hit list. So, fill a cup with your favorite adult beverage and get ready to imbibe. As always, drink irresponsibly.

So, the murder-spree takes a pause since Simone got jacked up by a bus. Heller's Alzheimers secret is not-so-secret anymore. The jig is up! PM blew the mission and the standoff continues. Mommy Dearest is gonna blow some shit up if Heller doesn't surrender. Tic toc!

Navarro is is working with Adrian Cross, but Cross is just a middle man, huh? Who's the mastermind, I ask you??  Maybe Chloe with the Dragon Tattoo is playing puppet master to everyone! That would be magnificent. after 9 seasons, Chloe is the big bad? I vote yes.

Is this guy  going to put on scrubs and tuck a gun in his scrubs drawstring belt? Someone should advise him against that. I'm looking at you, Plaxico Burress.

Mommy Dearest is about to drone strike her own daughter. And she has her son pointing the drone. He already watched her cut off her daughter's finger. So, he's gotta be sticking around out of fear, right? If he was smart, he'd point those drones right at Mommy Dearest.

Navarro seemed like he had a conscience until riiiiiiiiiiiight..........now.

Boudreau is getting what he wanted. Prediction--VP becomes the P and Boudreau becomes the VP. Or so he thinks. Another prediction--Boudreau and Audrey will not be married by the end of the day.

Hospital shenanigans. See below for some highlights.  BAH!!! Kate and Jack leave the hospital to meet outside with PERFECT TIMING. Not only that, but Margot Dearest finds them on satellite and blows them up. But, no!  Jack speeds them away....FROM A DRONE STRIKE!!! TWICE!!!  THREE TIMES!!!! Oh, 24.  You're swell.

Poor Agent Whatshisface got snipered. Of course, as we all noticed, he was only shot in the shoulder. He lives another day! Well, maybe not another day. To the next hour, at least. I mean, he's gotta out Navarro in a shocking turn of events, right?

Oh. My. God. The Russian Deputy Minister's weird-ass goatee is my favorite thing I've ever seen. Ever. And then he gets personal on Boudreau. And THEN he gets his weird-ass goatee all up in Boudreau's face. So far, in my opinion he's the best character to ever be on the show. That opinion is based purely on the joy his facial hair brings to my life.

Heller's not getting as squishy in the brains as he'd have had us believe from the first few hours. He's smart enough to start keeping secrets from Boudreau. So, there's that. 
Skype convo with Margo Crazytown and Heller? Everybody put your disdain face on.



Damnits:
-Bigtime "Damnit" when Plaxico gets shot. Drink a LOT! That was a good one.
-Another bigtime "Damnit" with a followup mini-"damnit" when Jack's trying to outrun THE DRONES in Londontown rushour. 

There's no/we don't have time(s):
"We're running out of time. Margot's deadline's almost up." Jack right before not-Plaxico opens fire.
-"Time we do not have. Make is sooner than later, for your sake." Mother Russia's facial hair muse to Boudreau. 
-"Mr. President, we're still trying. To be honest with you, we're running out of time." Solid! Bottom's up!


Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Getting hospital staff to do whatever he wants, no questions asked.
-Torturing intensive care patients.
-Carjacking. Lots and lots of carjacking.

4:00pm - 5:00pm ::boop beep boop beep::

Margot Crazytown is still Mayor of Crazytown.
Drones are a-flyin' all willy nilly.

Heller is on the wrong end of Alzheimers and the British PM now knows it. The jig is up. Who should he count on? Jack Bauer, obviously.

Navarrow may be in the field looking rugged and using helmet-cams, but everyone has to defer to Jack on a totally black ops...op. Tag in Kate and we're off to the races.

Mommy Dearest is going full "no more wire hangers" mode. Except way more murder-y. Daughter Dearest is headed on a possible snuff mission with her sister-in-law as the target. She's still down one finger, lest we forget.

Boudreau meets Bauer. Audible whispers abound, but seeing insecure Boudreau meet super-spy Jack, couldn't be more awkward.

So, Jack has been working for the baddie on which he's been basing his whole secret op.

Audrey and Boudreau are not going to last the day--their marriage, specifically. Wanna know one reason why? Boudreau's Heller forgery is going to bite him in the ass with Russia, the US and now the UK if shit gets blowed up.

AAAHHHHH! Jack wants to give Propofol to Kate???? That's the Michael Jackson drug! Nighty night, Kate. Torture you in the morning.

Wait--is Navarro concealing something about Kate's husband.  Right?

Side note: I'm going to start calling the trunk of my car "the boot" just for international fun.


Daughter Dearest is going to let her conscience take over, right? Yeeeeaaaaaaahh.

"THERE IS NO METZGER AT THE BANK!" That is all.

Oh, dear. Belcheck's cover has been blown by the Brits via gun-butt to the head. He was just about to save Kate's bacon. Will the Brits save Kate? Probably not--Jack probably will. He's our hero, after all.

Kate's a wiz with a leg-choke and has some impressive shoulder mobility. She should put those attributes on her resume.

Simone tried to do the right thing, but ends up looking like the psycho she is. Way to get hit by a bus, psycho.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, computer nerd Jordan isn't taking Navarro's NO for an answer and may be following up his own leads. Taking bets as to whether he lives through the day. Mr. Upstanding Navarro is looking a bit less upsaning this hour. The evidence against Kate's husband could implicate Navarro? Color me intrigued, 24. Give me some good shit next week.

Simone tried to do the right thing, but ends up looking like the psyho she is. Way to get hit by a bus, psycho.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Computer nerd Jordan isn't taking Navarro's NO for an answer and may be following up his own leads. Taking bets as to whether he lives through the day. Mr. Upstanding Navarro is looking a bit less upstanding this hour. The evidence against Kate's husband could implicate Navarro? Color me intrigued, 24. Give me some good shit next week.

Damnits:

Didn't get any Damnits, but a strong "Sonofabitch" from Jack. Drink for kicks.

There's no/we don't have times:

-"We'll figure out who screwed up and how when we have more time." Navarro (possibly shady)  Closest I could get.

-"She might not have that kind of time." re: Kate getting un-Propofol'd for interrogating.

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:

-Setting insecure husbands (sort of) at ease.

-Administering Propofol.  ????

-Entering passwords under gunfire.

3:00pm - 4:00pm ::boop beep boop beep::

Happy Memorial Day, dear readers! I hope you thanked a Veteran today then ate lots of pork byproducts and drank cheap beer. Or expensive beer. What do I care? It's your money.

Kate has officially joined our heroes and yet still on the business end of Chloe's stink-eye.

Margo still has a bad case of the crazies and her daughter has some for real Stockholm syndrome or something. The crazy runs deep in that family. When is the son going to question Mommy Dearest?

6 runaway drones are headed right for us! Or London. Or any other place! Get ready for a lot of not-having-times.
So, the Americans have to warn the British, "The drones are coming! The drones are coming!"
Prediction: a shit ton of audible whispers when Jack and Audrey come face to face again.

Once again--"Kate, you saved us all! Get out. Thank you SO much for being a super-agent. Pack up your things and leave. You're amazing. You suck for not knowing your husband was a spy on America."

HOLD UP! Does Heller really not know what happened in the drone attack that killed Margo Crazytown's husband? Or is it his brain beginning to atrophy with surprising speed?

I need a closer look at the "ink" on Chloe with the Dragon Tattoo. That arm band is some kind of special fakeness.

I can't decide what I think about Boudreau. On the one hand, he's sneaky as hell. On the other, he's a morally righteous smug asshole who thinks he knows best for everyone. Hmmmmm...

I should look into getting myself an underground arms dealer.

BOOM! Jack just gave Heller an ultimatum! AND reminded him how little time we have. That's so Jack.

hahahahaha. Just when Jack tells us we're on borrowed time, the Naveed kid reminds us that "we have a little time." Silly, Naveed. He's new here. He's not long for this world.

Audrey and Jack: so many barely audible whispers. Most whispery exchange ever caught on network television.

Ok, I watched it twice and there's a random person who gasps when Heller confirms to the Prime Minister that Margo Crazytown can act on her threats. WHO IS THE GASPER??? (never seen on film)

Kate is thrown off the case, but still gets all involved, because that's what not-CTU agents do. Then she gives Chloe access to the CIA network because THAT'S what not-CTU agents do. Why do I feel like they're grooming Kate to be a 24 spinoff star?

Okaaaaaay, so there's an actual, real romance with Chloe and Adrian Cross? and he loves her. I thought this was going to be some implied romance or unrequited weirdness.

Prediction: Navarro and co gets blowed up by a drone having been given a fake address from the video's IP trace.
Will they get out in time? DO THEY HAVE TIME??

I'm a 24 psychic.

Next prediction: Kate gets put in charge of the operation. Because, duh.


Damnits:
Can I get a Damnit up in this piece?

There's no/we don't have times:
-"We have to move fast or a lot of people are gonna die." Kate quote. Pretty close. Consume your adult beverage of choice.
-"Even if you captured him alive, there's no way you'd break him with enough time to stop these attacks." Yep, put Jack in the field. It just feels so right. Cheers!
-"Mr. President, I hope you consider my request...while you still have time." That was a good one. DRINK!

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Telling the truth and being right about terrorist stuff.
-Acquiring things "by stealth." Because, YES.

2:00pm - 3:00pm ::boop beep boop beep::

Agent Kate Morgan and Jack aren't best friends yet, but Jack is already deciding that he wants her on Team Bauer. Will they meet up in the Embassy and join forces? Will they fall in love? Will Kate live through the day?  

Chloe's up to her old tricks, hacking into building schematics. Said schematics are extremely detailed. I'm certain they aren't readily available online.  

They are trying really hard not to say "you don't have much time" while the Marines are on their way. Obviously, the only choice is to shoot a bunch of them to buy more precious time.

Oh, Russian hooker. You think your mommy dearest is just super observant to notice that you have a secret, but really, she spies on you with cameras because she's a CREEPY BITCH. 

I lost audio while Boudreau is talking to Navarro and a chunk of the Jack/Chloe/Adrian Cross interaction. So, lets just say, they each said Damnit 1-2 times, and discussed at length how they were running out of time. Drink up!  You're welcome.

Audio returned.  

Gasp! Do I detect a Chloe/Adrian love affair a-brewing? 24 always peppers in some love interests here and there, and I appreciate the romance in the face of terrorism. So real-life.

Well, the cat's out of the bag. Audrey and the Prez both get all aflutter when they hear Jack is in the mix. Reunited and it feels so good?

Mommy Dearest is a sociopath, obviously. Love how this comes a such a shock to Simone. Brainwashing is so super fun.

Ooh Ooh! Jordan/Kate love story now? Is this Valentine's day in not-CTU? Good opportunity to remind us all that Kate got duped by her hubs. Just in case you were thinking she was really smart and awesome, it was important to remind you what a dumbass she is. 

Tug-o-war over Jack and Boudreau won? We hate him right? Yeah. He sucks.

Kate's getting really close to telling us all how little time we have. She's still new here. She'll learn.

I like Audrey again.  That is all.

Chloe with the Dragon Tattoo is giving some really good constipated face this hour.  We could use a classic Chloe stink-eye to really make this a party.

Kate has joined said party. Did some stellar Jack-convincing, furthered the terror-fighting cause, and bigtimed some Marines. Ballsy episode for the new chick.

Damnits:

ZILCH! Really?  Did I miss some?

There's no/we don't have times:

-YES! "Chloe, did you get that? We don't have much time." That was a good one. Drink a whole bunch.

-Kate didn't disappoint. "You don't have that much time." Welcome to 24, Kate. DRINK!

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:

-Shooting but NOT killing civilians

Day 9: 1:00pm - 3:00pm ::boop beep boop beep::

Get ready to intercept some intel. You never know when you will find yourself faced with intel that needs...intercepting.  

An early Jack 'damnit' when our heroes realize there's no CCTVs at the back of the pub where dead guy got a screwdriver in the ear and where the Russian hooker surprised NO ONE by being an assassin. Start this off right and DRINK!

As much as we all respect the valiant efforts of Jack and his team of good guys, he really is doing nothing to improve the reputation of Americans abroad with his train platform violent outbursts. I should probably head over to London to try to salvage the reputation of the entire American public.

So now we know why Chloe went all Dragon Tattoo. She's being awfully supportive of Jack knowing that her hubs and son were killed for what she knows about his disappearance.

Can I start calling Russian hooker/Assassin girl Bloody Face? There could be some real magic in a 24/American Horror Story crossover event.

Boudreau is still keeping Jack a secret from not-catatonic Audrey? He's trying to be President, right? He's a sneaky Audrey svengali. Did I like her before? I can't remember. I'm now feeling like she's easily manipulated, which makes me not like her. And Tate Donovan-Boudreau can get hanged for forging the president's signature, right? For treason or something, right? Oh wait--he's already beating the drum that Heller's gone squishy in the head, so I'm sure he'll say that President Forgets-a-lot just forgot...a lot.

Pause: Man, how about Solange beating up Jay-Z in the elevator?? Have you seen that video? I want to know what that shit was about! I bet she said 'Damn' a few times, so take a few sips for that, too.

Dude. Mama Margot is is one cold-hearted bitch. The red wedding really changed her.

Anyone else forgetting that they're in London and only realizing it when car scenes show the steering wheel on the wrong side? Just me? It's totally throwing me off. London cars be crazy.

Oooooh. Cross is double-crossing Jack. That means he's going to be on the business end of Chloe's stinkiest stink-eye very shortly. Chills the soul. Prediction: Naveen doesn't live through the day.

Dude. Mama Margot is not only cold-hearted, but she's crazy in the batshit way. I know they've been leading us to that, but that is some creepy business going on right there.

HOLY SHIT!!!!  Jack? your civilian assault numbers are through the roof! Do we need a new drinking category this season? For a man who wants to protect the people, you sure do maim a lot of people. Aww. I can't stay mad at you. Good thing I have a week to process before we do this all over again.

Damnits:

-First scene in the pub and Jack drops a big 'damnit' in the pub bathroom. Dropping the Damnits off at the pool.

-"Three years ago. That means Heller authorized the attack. Damnit." Jack damnit but a whispered, so just take a sip.

There's no/we don't have time:

None? Apparently, we have all the time in the world. Did you catch any?

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:

-Throat-punching civilians who try to act chivalrous in the subway. Pardon--the Underground.

-Convincing heads of hacking rings to do what he wants...by saying Please.

2014 Begins! 11:00am - 1:00pm ::boop beep boop beep::

 Are you dying? I'm dying.
Jack is BACK! It's been too long, old friend. I probably should have gone back to watch at least the end of the last season to figure out where we last left our boy Jack, but...eh. I choose not to dwell in the past. I do, however, look forward to a lot of audible whispers, swear-word stand-ins that are suitable for Primetime network TV, and of course, Chloe looking constipated. It's gonna be awesome.

It has been a while, so remember - DRINK for every 'damnit', reminder of lack of time and whenever Jack reminds you that he is the smoothest cat on the block.

11:00am - 12:00pm 

Benjamin Bratt??? The chick from Chuck? Jack Bauer is in Londontown? Threats against the President? Right back into it. Cheerio!

Heller is the Prez, but seems to be slipping in the brains. The mere mention of Jack's name sends everyone into a tailspin--as well it should. 

So far, we know Kate's getting the boot because she got all double-agented by her husband. Trust issues? Check. Smartest one in the room? Check. Prediction: She's gonna be besties with Jack.

But first--gotta catch us up that Chloe's gone goth and is already getting the 'enhanced interrogation' that is being promised to Jack in Special Activities. Since he made special effort to get himself caught, it's all part of a Chloe rescue attempt, right? Right. Time to get the band back together.

Boudreau is doing his darndest to keep Audrey and Heller in the dark about Jack, which means that they're definitely going to find out about Jack in a hot minute.

Give it up for the new kids this season. Navarro drops a Damnit and Kate is already breaking protocols on her way out the door.

I wonder if Jack and Chloe go to the same tattoo artist.

So, Chloe's gone not only goth, but all Wikileaks on the US. Can't wait to hear why.

Side-note: where can I get one of those collapsible ladders used in the Jack/Chloe extraction? It would be a great space-saver for this apt dweller. 

It may not be CTU, but I appreciate the consistency that 24 has of blowing up government buildings, usurping of authority and lack of personnel screening on the part of government agencies. "We're really going to miss you around here. Sorry you were so dumb that you married a traitor. You were the best field agent in the business. You're fired--get out. Come back--we're giving you the highest clearance and putting you in charge of the whole operation."  For real--that happened within ONE HOUR.

12:00pm - 1:00pm 

Chloe's giving me some real Skrillex vibes. Adrian Cross is Julian Assange, so does that make Chloe a lady Snowden? And Catelyn Stark is a bad guy?

Are they using Blackberries? Are they picking this up back in 2010? Poor Drone-kid. He needs Chloe to clear his name as only Chloe can.

Heroine dealer's tech support < Jack Bauer's tech support

And Simone is a Russian baddie, right? There's no hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold going on there.

Kate is going to learn that joining Team Bauer is the way to go. She's almost there. So close. Perhaps the patented Jack Bauer head butt will convince her.

BAH! Called it with the Russian chick.  But lets not pretend that Yates wouldn't notice a barely-held-on wig. Come on, 24. You're better than that.

Ahhhh. Welcome back, friends. It's gonna be a good season.

Damnits:

-1st one of the season and it's not even Jack! Navarro comes out strong in the first hour of the season.

-Audrey with a weak "Damnit, Mark" whilst prepping her Pops to potentially address Parliament.
 -YES. Solid classic Jack damnit right at the end when he and Chloe are in the car. It's like he said it just for me. Drink twice for nostalgia!

There's no/we don't have time:
"We need to move fast." - when Jack is telling Chloe to get to a safe place. Can we count it? It doesn't go the full distance, but I decided it stays. I'm making the rules here.


Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:

-Outrunning gunfire and taking out whole tactical teams. Duh.

-Hiding and triggering a tracking device IN HIS OWN SKIN.

-"You probably think I'm at a disadvantage. I promise you I'm not." And then proceeds to demonstrate. So smooth...and very murder-y.

-Getting shot - but just grazed.