Day 8 4:00am - 5:00am ::boop beep boop beep::

In the last hour, CTU got all blowed up. Flyin' blind, bitches! They're gonna have to do this the old fashioned way. You know who knows how to do things the old fashioned way? Jack Bauer.

That Tarin dude is sooool conflicted. Does he love Kayla? Does he not give 2 shits? I think it's mostly that he sent his hot piece to get blown up.

"That's weird. I've got 4 bars, but the call's not going through." Well, Ortiz Prinze, Jr, you must have AT&T. You can have all the bars in the world, but the damn call is not going to go through. Yeah, I through out a damn. Drink for that, too.

So, the 2 big baddies crossed the river in a pontoon. Did no one think to just shoot it and deflate the thing? No? Just me? Again? That's cool.

I think Chloe should be the next head of CTU. She's pure magic in a nerdy, stink-eyed, bitchery-throwing analyst body. And most importantly, it's all about Jack which, of course, you and I and Chloe know, but the rest of the world must learn the hard way.

I've tried real hard. I wanted to make it work. She almost had me with Russian mob rapist dude's abuse and subsequent stabbery, but I JUST CANNOT get on board with Pruney. I want crazy-in-the-brain Audrey Raines back. She was catatonic and better than Pruney Von Cryptkeeper. I just can't.

Wow the EMP was the best thing to ever happen to Dana/Jenny. So.....can she stop making that face now?

This season's Fetus Agent is living up to his fetus agent legacy. And he's also inexplicably lapsing into a Scottish accent? Please explain.
Also, we were THIS CLOSE to a "pinned down." It could have been magical. Coulda.

Pause for PS3 commercial. I love the dude in those commercials. He gets me every time with the 2K commercial with Joe Mauer that I see a squillion times a day: "I'm not even ALLOWED in Mexico." Good job, PS3 guy.

Man, Dana/Jenny is the worst. Chloe has been covering her tranny ass all day and she throws Super Chloe to the wolves?? It's just rude. And then the probation officer goes to her boss? That's some insta-karma shit right there.

Chloe! Are you grounded? Put on some rubber gloves and doc marten's woman! We've been told that this is some dangerous magnetic shit, so shouldn't Bubba Hastings have politely suggested that she put on some rubber gloves or something?

I loathe that Pruney may have helped save the day. I maintain that she will be a liability in no time.

Tranny Dana/Jenny is the worst ever, but I REFUSE to believe that any Probation officer would be so dogged that he would pursue a 2-bit con in the face of a national terror crisis in New York City. Don't insult us. It's beneath you.

DANA/JENNY is a terrorist??? Surprisingly, I did NOT see that coming. I knew she was a dude and all (dude looks like a lady kind of dude), but I thought her stupid hillbilly story was going to end with her ousting from CTU. Possibly Jail. This is some Nina Myers fuckery!!

Fetus agent is dead. Did you think he would live through the day. Yeah, me neither.
Damnits:
-"We're being jammed. They're here, damnit." Jack damnit. Drink up, mofos.
-Arlo: casualty reports...stuff....blah blah blah. Hastings: "Damnit." Imbibe.
-"I hope you're here to help 'cause we can damn well use it." NSA dude. I'm counting it because I like to hit the sauce and I know you do too.
-"You're damn right." Hastings. count. it.

There's no/we don't have times:
-I don't even know. I'm sure there were variations, but I can't process them.

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
--Building impenetrable armor out of panels of something.

Day 8 3:00am - 4:00am ::boop beep boop beep::

I don't like the softer side of Chloe. She shouldn't be acting all kindly toward Dana/Jenny. I'm not down with the solidarity.

I'm actually good with the hotel scene, believe it or not. As soon as they left the hotel and can access all the city's traffic cams and reroute satellites at a moment's notice, is when I start having problems.

Methinks they're going to make Hassan transport the rods personally or something.

Dana/Jenny is in for it now. The jig is up! Her first mistake: asking Chloe to cover for her....again. Chloe is done with being nice to Dana/Jenny.
She is a terrible liar also.

I think Tarin and Kayla are totally breaking up.
"All due respect, madam. You brought this threat to my country. We're doing the best we can." I love when Jack Bauer gets all patriotic and shit.

Uh....Dana. How did Arlo know that cop dude (who totally got his guts exploded all over on True Blood) was here for Dana/Jenny. I'm starting to like inexplicable Arlo.
Dana/Jenny is an ugly crier. Most people are ugly criers, so she's in good company, but she looks especially like a post-op tranny when she cries.

OK, so maybe they're not breaking up, but one of them is going to end up dead. SURVEY SAYS......Tarin! Tarin ends up dead. So there's that.

HAHAHAHAHA. They immediately shoot out the glass door. Priceless. I feel like that's really just a good excuse to shoot your gun. With all the activity in the building, the door was probably unlocked. hilarious.

OH SNAP!!! They're gonna blow up Kayla at CTU!

Everything blowed up. Setup for next week.

Damnits:
-I don't know. Were there any? There's so many hours left. I'm confident that there will be more. Fear not.

There's no/we don't have times:
-"Sir, they gave you 15 minutes. If you want to see your daughter again, you have to tell us what this is." Close enough. Drink.

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Knowing when the target is impersonating an officer.

Day 8 2:00am - 3:00am ::boop beep boop beep::

Countdown to Bomb-kid's detonation. Reference to Wayne Palmer's administration. Not David Palmer of course, who was the best American President ever.

Lookie Lookie. Dana/Jenny and Cole Ortiz Prinze, Jr are back in action. They suck at being subtle.
HOORAY!!!! Dana/Jenny had to report to Chloe! Our girl is working her way back up the latter damn fast and I approve. I should add a count for how many times Chloe gives the stink-eye in each episode. She can throw attitude with the best of them and it is positively magnificent.

Arlo is a nosey mofo. And all of a sudden Dana/Jenny is all warm and fuzzy to him, clearly not recognizing the MASSIVE threat he is to outing them as murderers. Duh. I thought these CTU computer nerds were supposed to be super-geniuses or something. But they're all mental cases. BACKGROUND CHECKS!!!!!!!

Bomb-kid is weird looking. I'm just saying.

Uh oh. Hassan's daughter is a big ol' Ho and may be cruisin' for an honor killing. They do that, right? And by they I mean ambiguous, fictional Arab countries. Obviously. Whatever, she's obviously duped by her obviously bad-guy boyfriend.

For someone who has created a whole new identity for herself and gotten access to classified government secrets, Dana/Jenny loses her cool super easily. And for a big, fat liar, she sucks at lying. She's pretty much the worst con artist ever.

What in holy hell is wrong with bomb-kid?? He is talking like he's on shrooms or something. I don't remember him taking any shrooms. Bomb-kid is having one hell of a bad trip now that he's got Jack Bauer yelling in his face.

Tarin is the bad guy, huh? Wow. Didn't see THAT coming. Duh.

HURT LOCKER MOMENT!!!!!! HOLLA ATCHA, OSCAR WINNER! Jack got blowed up....again. Now he's going to have to spend the rest of the day with Marcos Bomb-kid bits all over him. Eew.

Even the Hassan's know who Jack Bauer is and will take his calls directly! Jack Bauer is friend to all heads of state.

I'm over the Dana/Jenny story. I've been over it for HOURS. I thought it had potential, but now I'm just annoyed.

Apparently, next week's episode is the HOUR WE CAN'T MISS. I hope I don't miss it. :-P

Damnits:
-"Damnit. Chloe, I've got 4 lights on!" Jack. FINALLY.
-"Damnit, Marcos! Give me a name!!" more Jack. Drink double!

There's no/we don't have times:
-"We don't know how much time we have before your son can activate the explosives. We have to go." -Ortiz to bomb-kid's mom. I'm widening the net on this one.

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Being a specialist that they "brought in for the day"
-Knowing the circuit pattern of bomb-kid's vest so that he can single-handedly disarm it.

Day 8 1:00am - 2:00am ::boop beep boop beep::

Soulpatch Schwartzman is hiding from the baddies and little Kayla Hassan is getting all defiant-like. Renee's on the chopping block which then means (just when he thinks he's out) Jack is back in. Freddie Prinze Ortiz went Rambo with a sawed-off to save Dana/Jenny (I'm not sure why).

Now that you're all caught up....

Oh my. There's trouble in paradise with Ortiz & Dana/Jenny. Is he calling her by her real name yet? I can't even remember which one is her real name. Jenny, right?

Soulpatch is such a weenie. That is all.

Now, of course, Hassan's darling daughter Kayla's shady-ass boyfriend is going to turn out to be the ringleader of them all. Obviously.

It would have been PHENOMENAL if they showed Hassan all frustrated that he couldn't get a hold of his dudes and then his lackey said,
"Well, Nabeel has an iPhone and you KNOW how shitty that service in Manhattan." Because...you know....it is.

Of course Soulpatch is turned into swiss cheese seconds before the cavalry arrives. Of course.

Dude. If the bomb went off, it would render that area inhabitable for 40 years??? That's a long time to have some prime real estate off the market.

Soupatch did NOT live through the day. yep. I called it.

This is precious. The couple that disposes of dead bodies together stays together.

Ernie Anastos!!!!! I love that Ernie Anastos is playing such a key role on 24 as the trusted and respectable newsman. "Keep fucking that chicken!"

Hassan's hair is magnificent. He clearly wants to be a MILLIONAIRE! You can tell by his hair.

Pruney still looks like the Crypt Keeper but she also looks increasingly like a Tim Burton character. She is also not likely to live through the day. I don't see a happy ending for Pruney.

Newbie agent is so dead. He's a nervous Nellie. Hopefully, Chloe can disarm the device and save his booty. Chloe will disarm the bomb and then Newbie will punch bomb-kid in the face and look like the hero. Fun.

Or not. Newbie is the worst at this. Bomb kid is gonna jump otu the ........yeah, i called it.

I.....what?.....what's going on? This kid is going to detonate the bomb in a pressure chamber? Will that keep the blast contained or make it even more explodey? I don't know this science stuff. They'll probably de-pressurize him or something.


Damnits:
-where are all the damnits? Am I missing them?

There's no/we don't have times:
-"There's no time for that. There's a CTU team moving on Farhad as we speak." very Presidential. PS--She then threatened to attack Hassan's country if he didn't hand over his spy files. DRANK!!!

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Running a team. I mean, really. Were they going to let that Newbie Agent run a team? Ridiculous.

Day 8 12:00am - 1:00am ::boop beep boop beep::

Setting aside my Olympic fever for some 24 time. I've been crazy into the Olympics, so I'm hoping that 24 makes my Olympic hiatus worth my while.

Family betrayal is the name of the game this season. Russian mob son and Soulpatch Schwartzman are in cahoots now. And, now Russian mob Pops is in the same store room where he shot his own kid. Jinkies!

and now, SNIPERS! Soulpatch can't be trusted. Shocking, but still needs to be said.

Power struggles are fun. They always resort in scapegoating, which is good times for all. Pruney's gonna get the book thrown at her even though she was totally justified in the killing of rapist-dude. He was seriously hatable, so I applaud her.

Dana/Jenny is nothing but trouble. She's quite the distraction to all of these CTU dudes. Ortiz should go back to his wife, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. And Arlo should just admit that he's in love with Chloe and then we could have a Morris/Chloe/Arlo love triangle.

So, Soulpatch Schwartzman is a pawn in the nefarious plot of more evil dudes. Duh. Did you not see that coming? He's too little and frail and way too into his pageboy haircut. PS--He's totally not going to live through the day.

Oh dear. Pruney is going to snap. Jack is probably going to come in any moment and save the day. Look at that. Here he is. Jack knows what "Justice Dept" means. And he's judo-chopping everyone! It would have been really cool if Jack had said, "Don't tase me, bro." It would have provided some much-needed comic relief. Of course, I want to hear that every time someone gets tased, so I guess I'm easy like that.

Here we go. Dana/Jenny's not-so-interesting backstory. This hubbub with her and Ortiz totally blew her cover when his giant SUV came screaming over the hill. So, the dude who went to take a leak in the woods is going to get the jump on them.

They put Jack in charge of the team in 3....2.......

Backstabbing and Frontstabbing and shootouts, OH MY!
I hope Ortiz is looking at Dana/Jenny saying, "Yeah, you're totally not worth all this. Later, homes."

BARF. Jack can't end up with Pruney. It's not ok. BAAAAAAARF. I'm going to be barfing all over the place next week according to the previews. Until then, I'll soothe my gag reflex by going back to the Olympic splendor. Although, if my Wii is any indication, I could rock the gold in ski jumping. I rule. U-S-A! U-S-A!!!!

Damnits:
-Um, I think none? I'm really sober, so I think none.

There's no/we don't have times:
-Also none? Again, very sober.

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Judo-chopping everyone.
-Saving Pruney. Over and over and over and over........

Day 8 11:00pm - 12:00am ::boop beep boop beep::

Jack's lost. And of course, it's at the top of the hour. Someone should have been paying closer attention.

Dana/Jenny is really bad at getting rid of degenerate ex-boyfriends. "Put my key in my mailbox and leave me alone." WHAAAAA? I'm pretty sure you're supposed to just call the locksmith and get the locks changed. Duh.

Chloe is my favorite. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Chloe is my favorite. She's got the best stink-eye in the business and is lightening quick with the backhanded compliments/friendship moves. She saves Dana/Jenny and then smacks her down. It's magical. Full of magic. And wonder.

Wait--what are they going to do to Jack? Was that Russian? English? I mean, I get that it's going to be torture and unpleasant and whatnot, but sometimes, I'm terrible at interpreting the Russian accent.

Where is Soulpatch Schwartzman, anyway? Is he still with the Russian hookers? We will soon find out, I see.

How and where do the Russian torturers get all their torture wares? Do mob guys have lots of industrial batteries laying around with which they can torture people? How do they have the storage space? I've always struggled to figure out where the Christmas decorations go for 11 months of the year. Impressive.

Ah, Soulpatch Schwartzman. I've anticipated the return of his flowing locks. He's going to tear out those flowing locks when he finds out that the uranium delivery is on hold. OOOHHHH. Unless Russian mob kid got all gangsta on Soulpatch! He could have used a good pistol-whipping to shut him up though. Russian mob kid earned some serious Russian mob brownie points (Commie points?) with that move. He could have really gotten a bump if there was some pistol-whipping involved.

Poor Pruney has come unhinged for realz. She looks like she's about to go catatonic any second. And I'm 97% sure she's not going to live through the day. Girl should be on suicide watch 24/7. She's losing her marbles.

Here comes the big Dana/Jenny reveal! Unless she chickens out. I don't expect her to say, "my name isn't Dana. It's Jenny and I'm a redneck ex-con." Look at me! I'm a 24 genius!

Jack torture scenes always end with Jack torturing the torturer back. But he gets creative with is, which I appreciate.

Is this when Hassan's daughter admits her affair with the aide. Yep, there it is. Now, does that mean there's going to be one of those twisted mercy killings? Damn dude! Hassan just dismissed his daughter's boyf as a ploy to get close to him for murder purposes. Actually, he said what we were all thinking. He wants to be a MILLIONAIRE!!!

Jack blows the power to get a cell phone to the russian mob location. He's running around John McClane style. Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!
Now Jack gets to speak to him alone and throw some torture back his way, right? Right? Oh, snap. Psychological torture in the form of offering leniency to Russian mob dude's dead son. Ouchie.

Oh, Arlo. Such a busybody. Now, noble Cole feels all icky and insecure about his girlfriend with the fake name. Re-routing government resources to spy on your tranny-looking lady is ill-advised. I shouldn't have to tell you that.

We're getting close to the top of the hour. Something's going to happen. I just know it! (heehee) I hope all the CTU peeps know it. They should all be making sure they are on their guard.

Dear CTU,
I can't stress enough the importance of background checks. Thanks.

Shocking. The uranium got burgled. Who do you think it was? Soulpatch? Russian mob kid? I bet Russian mob kid. He's put on a good show for his pops.
Russian mob kid's gone rogue. WITH Soulpatch. So much double crossing. Good times.


Damnits:
-Jack brand whisper "damnit." when the torturer's cell phone doesn't work. Bottoms up!


There's no/we don't have times:
-close, but no cigar.

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Espionage. Real or fake. "You've never heard of me because I'm good at what I do." Smooth.
-Electrocuting torturers with his feet.

Day 8 10:00pm - 11:00pm ::boop beep boop beep::

I know Dana/Jenny makes all the little fanboys tingle from her Battlestar Galactica days, but I get a very post-op tranny vibe from her. I know that's blasphemy to a lot of nerds out there, but I can't be the only one that thinks that. Right??

Uh oh. The dumb hicks are getting greedy. You know what that means! ......trouble...or something....I'm not sure.

We're going to have to change Pruney's name to Stabby if that Vladimir dude doesn't stop with his Sleeping With The Ememy routine. She's definitely going to remove his bits and pieces before the day is out.

Damn, dude. These Russians are a twisted bunch. "I want to leave you and your family a wealthy inheritance." What he REALLY said, "now that your brother is out of the way, you get twice as much! So, you know--congratulations!"

Hassan is taking a page out of Jack's playbook and I applaud the return of random acts of torture back to 24. Although, I suppose Pruney Renee did then when she chopped off the floor-sweep's thumb. Hassan is carrying on the random acts of torture and I thank him for taking it old school for the people.

Can we wrap up this Dana/Jenny fuckery now? Where are we going with this? Not that 24 hasn't always been about random plot lines and acts of violence, but I certainly would like them to move this one along. It's putting so much focus on Dana/Jenny and not enough on Chloe's stink-eye.

Pause for Fox News plug.

Pause for Snap-On product placement.

Hahahahahahahaha. "Just because I like your face doesn't mean I have to put up with your crap!" Anyone care to take bets on how many people I say that to tomorrow? Over under?

OH SNAP! What did I tell you about stabby Renee???!!! She's even got Jack in on the stabbing. You know.....after she stabbed him. But of course, he doesn't need much encouragement. Think he'll tell her it's "just a flesh wound"and keep going? There are still a LOT of hours in the day. I really should research how many times Jack has been shot, stabbed burned, etc on this series. I'm certain that information already exists somewhere.

WHAT? "Bring Laitanan's body back for autopsy. I want to know what happened." What do you mean?? Renee stabbed the ever-loving shit out of him. You need a full workup to figure that out? Time-waster.

Now jack is signing up for torture? WTF? That just seems silly. After today, I feel strongly that Jack should look into therapy or some sort of support group for masochists.

It's also nice to see that 24 is still sticking to stereotypes with Hillbilly #1 and Hillbilly #2 drinking grain alcohol out of a paper bag while driving. Good one.

So, next week, we can look forward to Pruney getting blamed for killing her rapist. I think we all know I'm not a Renee fan, but stabbing the shit out of your rapist/abuser gets you a high five and not a reprimand, in my book. So there.
Also next week, Dana/Jenny comes clean to Freddy Prinze about her hillbilly past. Maybe we can move that plot line along a bit.
Bottoms up!

Damnits:
-"Damnit! It's locked!" Kevin (a.k.a Hillbilly #1)
-"Damnit, they really must have been moving. CTU's here already." Jack-style. DRINK, mofos.

There's no/we don't have times:
-"We're running out of time." Vladimir, the Russian mob rapist

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Strategic removal and replacement of disguise glasses.
-Shooting baddies through walls.

Last we left, the peace accord was not at all peaceful and Soulpatch Schwartzman was hanging with some Russian hookers while the Russian brothers stole a doctor. Pruney was as crazy as ever and chillin with the Russian mob.

Ah, Jackie. He tries to save our little lost soul Pruney and what does he say is the alternative? Torture! Hooray! Jack is very smooth at torture. Too bad he's not allowed anymore.

Dana/Jenny is unraveling fast. And doesn't CTU have any sort of sexual harassment policy? This Arlo dude doesn't know when to quit.

Really Dr? You had to ask how he was exposed to that amount of Uranium? You can't GUESS how? You can't make an assumption when the guys with the guns threatening your family are making you treat him? Duh.

Eew. Russian dude is a creepster.

Hassan is losing his marbles. He clearly doesn't want ANYONE to be a MILLIONAIRE!!

Dana/Jenny is annoying as hell. Does she really think the guys in the mystery mobile are going to leave her alone after that? She's now proving that she has skillllllz can get them lots and lots of dough.

This week is chock full of one-liners for me.

Chloe rules. As usual. Her face while she tells off Arlo is spectacular. She gives the stink-eye like nobody's business.

Aaand Renee goes dark. I fully expect Pruney to smash the Russian mob rapist. That should happen.

Hassan is having people arrested left and right and does he know that his little girl is hookin' up with his advisor dude?

Oh no. Russian mob dad is having his sons hunted? Is he not cool with trying to save his boy from weapons grade Uranium poisoning? Poor kidnapped Doc and his unsuspecting nurse. got all dead now. And why do I think that son #1 is going somehow uranium poison his dad. They did say radiation is transfered through bodily fluids. Maybe a syringe full of uranium blood?

Renee is a freakish close-talker. It makes me uncomfortable.

Thank goodness Freddie Prinze was there to save the day. His sniper skills are impeccable.

Daaaaaaaamn. Russian mob dad is cold blooded. I think son #1 is going to take him out for sure before the day is over.

Damnits:
I guess no one was frustrated or tried to find an alternative for the F-bomb.

There's no/we don't have times:
Apparently, we have all the time in the world.

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Pruney saving.

Day 8 8:00pm - 9:00pm ::boop beep boop beep::

I was right! I was right! Soulpatch Schwartzman WAS trying to take over as the new and hair-flowy President Hassan. He's too weasly, though.

Last we left, Pruney was on her way off the deep end. She made is so the Russian dude can never be the "what has 2 thumbs" joke guy anymore and was making all kinds of heinous faces. Yep, that's still where we are.
Jack: "Hastings still needs to know the truth."
Pruney: "The truth?"
Jack: "That your unstable!"
Pruney: ::craziest of all crazy eyes::
PS--how did Renee chop off a dude's thumb with blood spraying everywhere and not get a drop on her? I guess blood doesn't stick to crazy.

Chloe is definitely going to call out Dana/Jenny for ditching out in the middle of the crisis. She's so good at that.

I keep expecting Hassan to ask Madam Prez if she wants to be a MILLIONAIRE!
I kind of keep expecting him to ask everyone that.

Russian brother love-fest. A little shmaltzy, but they must be going somewhere with it. Maybe the dr is connected, or they will get caught by CTU or something.

I love that Pruney calls Ziya a drama queen after just cutting off his thumb to take off a tracking bracelet. Really? Really.

Ok, so Dana/Jenny went to jail as a minor. So, 1 her fingerprints would be on record. One would think that CTU would check fingerprints as part of their background check. Can't fake those. CTU is the worst background checker EVER.

Oh dear. Jack followed the wrong vehicle. He is not smooth at that. Unfortunately, I think we're going to still have Pruney around for the rest of the day. Sheesh.

Wow. Only 1 hour this week seemed so short compared to 4 hours last week. I'll take it! Next week: DISGUISES!!! I saw Jack in some pretty fancy glasses.

Damnits:
-Mrs. Hassan: "Show me a little respect. I'm your wife, damnit."
-Jack: "Damnit, Renee. I am running this. Stop messing with me!"
-Jack with a big ol' Damnit when Pruney get chucked in the trunk of a car. Drink double since he yelled. (I make these rules up as I go along.)
-Jack: "Put me back on Renee's com. DAMNIT!" shit, you're all probably drunk by now.

There's no/we don't have times:
-Chloe: "I need a minute." Jack: "She doesn't have a minute!" Count it. Drink.

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Cauterizing chopped thumb wounds.

Day 8 6pm - 8pm ::boop beep boop beep::

More marathon 24 sessions. Spotty wireless connection has given me a bit of a reprieve, but I'm back in action now.

6pm - 8pm

Last we left, Davros (multi-accent assassin dude) had his co-worker all hostaged and shot his wife up. Files were being decrypted. Dana/Jenny was all vague and obviously had not had a CTU background check. Why? Because CTU obviously doesn't do background checks. Obviously.

Kind of disappointed that Jack didn't scale the pole to get the serial number for the camera. If he had, maybe Chloe would have been able to save his rep from being a cop killer. And what's with the cop pussing out and letting his partner assume squeaky clean Jack is a cop-killer. Dude! you drop your weapon as soon as Jack tells you to and then keep your mouth shut? You BEST be making up for that in the next segment.

Where are we? DECRYPTING. so much decrypting goes on. I bet the key card to the Hassan's room is encrypted. I bet Dana/Jenny's past is encrypted. I bet Jack's tasered ass is encrypted now.

WHAT?? The entrance to CTU is an airstream trailer?
I'm kind of liking this Dana/Jenny thing with Kevin. What happened in Rock Hills or Falls or whatever? Don't let me down, 24!

UUGGHH. The cop beating on Jack is just annoying. Newbie cop John is a w.i.m.p.

Brother plots to murder brother. Cold blooded!

Jack is wearing a belly shirt. I see his belly button. For realz.

Who gives code red evacuation orders over speakerphone???? That doesn't seem to be protocol. I mean, I don't know what protocol is, but I'm 100% sure that isn't it. IT'S IN THE SEWER! IT'S IN THE SEWER!!! Danger! Danger! Things are really falling into place for Davros Greenmile (that's his name from now on).

Does Jason Schwartzman's body double have political aspirations of his own? I think he's going to try to take over the presidency.

Thankfully, Newbie-cop Do-Right finally did right and got our boy Jack back on the trail. WHEW! That was a close one. He's going to prove to be a valuable asset. But might not live through the day. Or will go by the wayside never to be seen or heard from (or thanked) ever again.

I think everyone at CTU is learning a valuable lesson about listening to Chloe and Jack.

Betcha Cole got blowed up (but lives) and saved Hassan. Ya think? Furthermore, for a bunch of geniuses, how do they not realize that the most dramatic things always happen at the top of the hour. Wouldn't you be on the lookout on the :50s and :55s?

7pm - 8pm
We rejoin the troops as they realize they all should have learned a valuable lesson and will now listen to Chloe and Jack forevermore. PS--i was totally right about Cole getting blowed. Not a scratch. He was probably wearing his seat belt like a good boy. Do you think he'll live through the day? I'm pretty sure that either he or Dana/Jenny won't. I'm starting to formulate my opinions on that one. Is it weird that I kind of have a 24 death pool? Nah. I'm good with it.

Soulpatch Schwartzman is a pen-stabber! He wields a pen. The pen is mightier than the sword! NO! JACK is mightier than the sword. You totally thought that Cole was dead, didn't you? Well, you were wrong. Why? Because Freddie Prinze Jr is too big a star to be killed 3 hours into Day 8.

Chloe: "I was actually thinking that he should be thanking Jack, then Cole, then maybe me." BEST.

And now, PRUNEY is back! Drink your prune juice and shine up your coffin...the Crypt Keeper returns!!! See last season's posts for side by side comparison. Although, the Renee pic they showed in her dossier (pronounced: DOSS-ee-ay), is probably an audition photo for Tales from the Crypt. She'll meet me in my nightmares.

Weapons grade Uranium? Instead, can we make it Plutonium so that Doc Brown can build us a time-traveling Delorean to let Jack go back in time and make the wise choice to become a veterinarian?

Ok. So far, Pruney is not so Pruney. She's more teen-angsty. Equally annoying. Good lord. How did Jack and Pruney keep a straight face through these scenes. They're talking in such fast, clipped sentences. And so quietly. And SO CLOSE.

Oh, for heaven's sake! Are they trying to make Pruney the next Jack Bauer? All hardened and world weary and putting her country before her sanity? Um....no. Just stop. Stop.

There's the Pruney we know. But it's not so much her resolve face. It's more her petulant brat face. Still Pruney, though.

Eew. Pruney is a BRAT.

Dana/Jenny is cornering the market on catch phrases tonight. If she says at any time that she's "pinned down," she'll have a trifecta.

Pruney is also a full-on close talker. And a psycho. What a sick twist she is. At least give a dude and Advil before you chop off his sweeping hand!

There's no/We don't have time(s):
-Hooray! First one of the season! Jack to Cole: "There's no time" (to get Hassan out of the evacuation plan)
-Dana/Jenny "I'm in the middle of a crisis. I don't have time."

Damnits:
-Dana/Jenny "Damnit, Arlo!" Can't blame her. He's pretty annoying.
-Jack Damit! Last word of the night. Priceless.

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Saving CTU peeps in the nick of time with well-placed and timed bullets

Day 8 4pm - 6pm ::boop beep boop beep::

Here we go again.
I don't even remember where last season ended up except that Jack did NOT die of horrible virus, Pruney Renee was still pruney and making googly eyes at Jack, and the prez's daughter was a psycho and super annoying. Here's what I already know about this season: Jack is still saving the world, but this time in NYC. Pruney is still Pruney, Kim has spawned, President Creepy is going to be back (I think). Oh, and Freddy Prinze, Jr (aka that dude from She's All That) is in this season with a big, gay professional crush on Jack.

Ok, lets get this party started.

4pm - 5pm:

The season starts with, of course, ....wait for it....MURDER! DOUBLE MURDER! DRUG USE! CAR THEFT!!

I already love Kim's kid. "Grandpa! This isn't a cartoon!" Damn right. Cartoons are way better than that news shit.

Dude! Jack's not in NY for 1 year (for real--they say the show happens in real time after all) and he's already going back to LA? Is Jack a quitter now? I don't know, but he's still getting into all sorts of international drama. I suppose that takes dedication. or something.

Does anyone else thing Hassan's secretary dude looks pretty much exactly like Jason Schwartzman? If Jason Schwartzman was Indian and had a soul patch.

Victor! Wait--who is Victor? He has information, which totally means he's going to get shot through the window right before Jack hears about it. Oh...ok. So, he did get the information out. HAHAHA. "You're lucky I'm retired." Oh, Jack. Good scene.

Freddy Prinze Jr = Cole Ortiz
First Damnit of the season!!! HOORAY!!! Oh snap! Who is telling Chloe that she needs to catch up??? WTF? Up is down, left is right, all is not right with the world.

Who is the moley moley mole this season?? CTU is back, so there will probably be at least 4 moles. Taking bets. Who do you think?

OK! Answers! The First Dude divorced Madam Prez because she sent Psycho daughter to jail. Thank goodness!

I'm waiting for Jack to say that he's pinned down. And it's pretty awesome that he's making the shot dude take the stairs. That can't be good for him.
Oh man! RPGs in the first hour, huh? This day is gonna be EXPLOSIVE! Get it? Get it? I rule. You had to know the dude was going to die before Jack got all the info. I guess it would just have been a little obvious if it happened in Jack's apt. PS--the blonde reporter lady is totally just a reporter. 24, I'm on to you.

5pm - 6pm:

I can't deal with this whole 'Chloe being the slow kid' thing. Something's gotta blow up at CTU and they'll have to kick it old school. Then Chloe saves the day. Yeah. That's what will happen.

Oh wait! It already happened. I think everyone at CTU is going to learn a valuable lesson from this.

This really is a family show. So much family drama.

OOOOOH! Brother Mole! Nice one, Hassan's brother. This is a family show after all.

Grandbaby doesn't know how to just walk. That kid flat-out sprints everywhere!

Of course Jack decided to stay. He's going to have to take on yet another incompetent CTU director in that Hastings dude. And I seriously can't picture Hastings as anyone but Bubba from Forrest Gump.

At least some things never change. That Dana Walsh chick is really some Jenny broad? Again, I ask, Does CTU not do background checks on these people??!!?!? I mean, really. How many times must this nonsense happen?

Fakey cop is pretty funny. I love the NY accents. He's a NY cop. He's a Russian (I think?) assassin. He works on the Green Mile. Is there anything he can't do? He will make a formidable opponent for Jack.


Damnits:
-Chloe: "Damnit! What is the problem?!" First line of the season, too. I'm so proud.
-Jack: whisper "Damnit" when trying to wake up Victor's shot ass.
-Press Secretary barely "Damnit" when he finds out that Victor dude is dead.
-Reporter lady. "Damnit, who's in charge here!"
-''Damnit, Ruth! You told him how to find me?" Dana/Jenny chick who is making Chloe look bad.

Things at which Jack Bauer is smooth:
-Making tourniquets out of an old-ass dirty mattress.
-Blackmailing his way into terror-fighting.